


Ways To Love

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Bad Decisions, Bad Sex, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Even Bech Næsheim, Blackmail, Consent Issues, Dark, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Even Bech Næsheim Accidentally Hurts Isak Valtersen, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, First Time, Heartache, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt, Hurt Isak Valtersen, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Isak Valtersen Has Issues, Jonas Is A Dick, Loss of Trust, M/M, POV Isak Valtersen, Phone Sex, Religion, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Guilt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Sexting, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Smut, Substance Abuse, Threesome - M/M/M, Throat Fucking, Throatgasms, Toxic Relationships, Trust Issues, Unsafe Sex, Verbal Abuse, Violence, Wrong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-16 16:01:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14168460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: I'm putting Placebo into this as well. If you've read that, you've read the first ch.This is dark. I love dark. Check the tags and notes before venturing further, thank you.





	1. Placebo

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a scene where one party wants sex and the other one agrees as a favor, not out of passion. So I did. That was Placebo, where Jonas takes advantage of Isak.
> 
> That started to escalate in my brain, someone made a comment that inspired me, and here we are now.
> 
> In the infinite number of universes, in this one, JONAS NOAH VASGUEZ IS A SHITTY PERSON. Towards Isak. I want to see what happens.
> 
> If you don't, then it's cool, I have more than 26 works where that doesn't happen for you to enjoy. Most of them are even finished!
> 
> I just love making Isak hurt. I'm really delivering here.
> 
> Also included: a metric fuckton of so-wrong-but-so-hot.
> 
> Also also included: an eating disorder. I did not expect that when I started this, but it happened.
> 
> And emotions. So much emotions.
> 
> This is going from Josak to Chrisak/Chriseven to Chrisaven to Evak. If it obeys me. I promise to keep going until Isak is happy.
> 
> Chapters will be whatever length, I don't need that kind of pressure in my life rn.
> 
> Always happy to get any comments! Feel free to yell at Jonas, he's a dick!

Isak was not happy at all that he had agreed to be the driver. Well, agreed and agreed, he had skipped like four of his last turns in the ring and now he had been told that either he was the driver or he didn’t come at all. So here he was, full on sober, trying to keep Jonas upright and find the keys from his pockets at the same time. It was fucking challenging.

“Just lean on the fucking wall, idiot!”

“I’m not leaning on it?”

“Nope. That way.” Isak pushed gently with his hand at Jonas’ shoulder and guided him to lean on the wall instead of him. “Stay. Good boy.”

Jonas giggled. That giggle turned into a sob.

“I love you, man.”

“Yes, yes, love you too. Where the fuck are those keys..if you’ve lost them you’re in trouble.”

All the guys had noticed that Jonas was in deep waters. After finding out about his girl cheating on him for months he had been kind of a wreck. He got drunk nearly every night and absolutely fucking pissed every weekend. This Saturday had not been an exception. They had made a pact that Jonas had this one more night of self medication and tomorrow they’d tell him it’s time to put an end to this. Isak really wished that they’d done that last weekend. He had spotted Even, the man of his dreams and his long term project, enter the club before them, but then Jonas had been too drunk for entry and Isak had agreed to take him home. For everything Jonas had done for him in past years, it was the least he could do.

Finally Isak fished out the keys from Jonas’ right jeans pocket. He had tried to avoid digging into them and Jonas had told him they weren’t there, but alas, there they were. Fucking finally. Isak opened the door and helped Jonas throw his arm around his shoulders. He guided the stumbling bro inside.

“Okay, now let’s get you into bed so I can get back to the club.”

Jonas turned against Isak and hugged him. Isak almost stumbled over from the impact, but he managed to stay standing.

“I don’t want to be alone”, Jonas whined.

Isak sighed. Fine. Anything for a bro, especially for Jonas.

“Okay. I’m staying until you fall asleep, then I’m outta here.”

Jonas squeezed him. Isak kind of noticed his hand pressed on his lower back and that the hug was longer than bro code approved with, but Jonas was drunk blind. If he had been too, or even tipsy, he probably wouldn’t have noticed anything himself. But it was Isak who had to break the hug, pushing Jonas very carefully a bit further from himself.

“I miss her so much!” Jonas exclaimed and hugged Isak again. Isak sighed. Jonas had always been there for him when he needed him, in heartache or other troubles, and Isak knew that he could never return all those favors to Jonas. Especially since he was so much worse at this than him. He gave Jonas a couple of pats on the back.

“I know it hurts, man. But you’re better off without her.”

“All women are fucking serpents!”

Isak held back a giggle. How biblical.

“Yes, I know. Fuck the bitches. Let’s get you to bed now, come on.”

Isak started to drag Jonas into his bedroom. He had the whole house for himself this weekend, lucky bastard, and the squad had taken advantage of that with great enthusiasm. The clean up tomorrow morning was not something Isak was looking forward to. They were absolute pigs.

Finally they reached Jonas’ room. The mattress was ready on the floor. Isak had slept so many nights on that floor, on that mattress, when things home had got to a point where he just couldn’t be there. Jonas never asked any hard questions, he just took Isak into his room. Sometimes through the window, in the middle of the night. He was the best bro a guy could ask for, and Isak did feel a bit shitty for being irritated by the current situation. But anyone like Even would not be alone at a club for long, Isak was on a schedule here.

“Okay, now, time to undress.” Isak knew he had to help Jonas out with that bit. It felt. Odd. Sure, he had seen Jonas nude many times, at the gym showers and in locker rooms, but never like this, alone in his room. But it was Jonas, and whatever feelings he had had for him had faded by now. They had a new target, and that target was right now at the club probably twerking his heart out. Make haste, mr Valtersen.

“Hold still. I’ve got you.” Isak grabbed Jonas’ shirt and started to unbutton it, from the top down. Button by button more of Jonas’ skin was revealed. Isak took care not to lick his lips right now, dry as they felt. Finally the last button was undone and Isak could push the shirt down from Jonas’ shoulders. He threw it on the chair and looked at the belt’s buckle. No. Nope. Not happening.

“You’ll have to get out of your pants yourself, man.”

Isak watched Jonas sway and cuss as he fumbled with the belt. When he almost toppled over and Isak had to catch him he gave up. Fine. He guided Jonas to the bed and laying down. It was almost dark in the room, but still Isak thought he could see the imprint of Jonas’ dick. He must have been mistaken, and he was not going to look again to make sure. He looked into Jonas’ eyes. They were blue, but now they looked dark.

“Try not to throw up into my bed, okay? I’m getting you a bucket.” Isak was about to leave, but Jonas grabbed his wrist and pulled. He caught Isak by surprise and he practically fell on Jonas. At the last second Isak broke his fall, his elbow on the bed next to Jonas’ head.

“Dude, what the --” His question was muffled by Jonas’ mouth. Jonas grabbed Isak behind the neck and kissed him, a bit sloppy but otherwise very, very well. Isak was so taken by surprise that he just went with it and returned the kiss. Bros can kiss sometimes, right? When very drunk and lonely and full of love and kindness towards each other, right?

Isak opened his eyes mid kiss. Jonas was kissing him with such enthusiasm, his eyes were closed and his long dark lashes fluttered a bit against his cheeks. Isak had dreamt about this moment so many times, about kissing Jonas, this was a fantasy he knew by heart. But he had never thought it’d become reality, and especially now. It was Isak who had to break the kiss too.

“Uhm. Okay. I should be going now, goodnight.”

“Stay.”

It was just one word. But it was said with such need, and darkness, and want. Isak kind of lost touch with his legs. He knew they were still there because he hadn’t crashed on the bed completely, but he had no actual connection to them.

Then Jonas kissed him again. Harder. How drunk was he? Very, obviously, he couldn’t even stand, but still, that didn’t seem drunk enough for kissing Isak like this. Isak looked at Jonas’ face, puzzled, while kissing him. No, not him, with him. Jonas was kissing Isak, and Isak was letting him do so. And when Jonas tried to push his tongue into Isak’s mouth, Isak parted his lips and let him do that as well. Jonas pulled him down, closer to him, and Isak laid down on the bed beside him.

Maybe Jonas really was lonely. Maybe he was feeling shattered and unwanted and undesirable, maybe he was in desperate need of validation. Maybe he had been wondering about kissing boys for a while now. Maybe Isak just happened to be there, and Jonas knew he was at least kinda gay, and wanted to try. Isak didn’t know what to do. He had been dreaming about this back then, this exact moment was something he had wanted to happen more than anything, from the bottom of his fluttering heart. Why didn’t it feel better?

It wasn’t bad, no, Jonas was an excellent kisser. His tongue work was especially convincing, not too invasive and not too slimy, but just the right mixture of slippery and demanding. But it was Jonas. Isak had gotten over him, months ago. Still, when Jonas took his hand and placed it on his bare ribs Isak felt his fingers shake a bit. He made them travel along Jonas’ skin, lightly, feeling his smooth warm skin. It felt really nice. All of this felt really nice.

Jonas wanted to fuck him. Isak could taste it in his kiss. The lust, the need, the want. Jonas was so drunk he probably couldn’t get it up, let alone keep it up, but the want was prominent and obvious. Jonas, the man Isak had fantasized about so many times, actually wanted to fuck him. Isak couldn’t help it, that thought got him hard. He pressed his hips onto Jonas’ thigh. Jonas broke the kiss, short of breath.

“Don’t”, he whispered huskily. “Let me have this.”

Let me have this. Isak knew what Jonas meant. He pulled his hips back, kept his fingers on Jonas’ skin. Okay. Jonas had done him a million favors, most bigger than this. It was about time Isak gave something back. It was okay. This time Isak kissed Jonas. It didn’t take Jonas long to turn Isak on his back and press his chest on his. Isak could feel Jonas’ dick against his hip. It was rock hard. Isak made Jonas’ body want this so much that it beat the drunkenness. That thought felt good. It made him feel so fucking sexy that it didn’t really matter that much that Jonas didn’t want anything to do with Isak’s dick. He had plenty of body left to give him.

Jonas pulled Isak’s shirt up, uncovering his belly and chest. He ran his fingers along his skin, making him shiver and gasp silently. His nipples hardened before Jonas had touched them at all, at the sheer thought of being touched. Jonas pulled the shirt over Isak’s head and behind his neck, straddling his arms up over his head with it. Let me have this, Jonas had asked, Isak opened his mouth for Jonas’ tongue to enter it again. He moaned against that tongue when Jonas grinded his dick onto his hip. Yes, Jonas, you can have this. You have earned this.

It was somewhat exciting, too. Jonas had had sex with many girls and with his latest girlfriend many times. He knew what he was doing, he knew how to sex. Isak had watched so, so much porn, but he had never went past second base. He hadn’t felt it with the girls and had chickened out with the boys. This time he wouldn’t back down. You were supposed to have your first time with someone you love and trust, and he both loved and trusted Jonas from the bottom of his heart. Sure, it wasn’t romantic love, but that was never specified anyway. Love, trust, sex, he was good to go.

“Have you done anal before?” Isak whispered in between the kisses. Jonas grunted something he couldn’t really make out. He pressed his mouth on Isak’s neck and Isak whimpered and moaned when he made a purple small mark on his skin. It was hot, it hurt, it sort of felt like a punishment for speaking. Or for being someone he wasn’t supposed to be, breaking the spell. Either way, Isak decided to shut up. Jonas knew what he was doing, he trusted him.

Jonas pressed his fingertips tighter into Isak’s skin. It almost hurt, then it actually hurt, sort of. Isak could feel the angry frustration in Jonas’ movements against his body. He was mad at his girlfriend. He was mad at himself, maybe, for wanting to do this. He might have been mad at Isak for not being a girl. Whatever the reason, he was mad, and Isak was starting to feel the impact. He glanced at the mattress on the floor, remembering those countless nights, and the nights he had laid very silently on the floor looking at Jonas sleeping on his bed, and touching himself. Jonas had earned this.

Isak laid there, his arms still trapped in the hoodie over his head, and let Jonas paint his skin with scratches and pale bruises. He felt his teeth graze his chest, he gasped quietly when he bit down while sucking, the pain radiated along his skin all the way down to his dick. It wasn’t hard anymore, but it was twitching. He did miss those kisses though. If Jonas would just kiss him again he would feel better. Isak whimpered very little, but that stopped Jonas.

“Am I hurting you?”

Isak blinked. It was obvious that Jonas was hurting him. That wasn’t what he was asking. But what was it? What would happen if he answered wrong, or to the wrong question? Would it mean Jonas would stop? Did he want him to stop?

Jonas kissed him again. Isak moaned into that kiss, he pushed his tongue into Jonas’ mouth, to encourage him. More kisses like this, less kisses like the ones that left bruises on his chest and stomach. When Jonas let his hand trail down Isak’s chest and stomach, approaching his waistband, Isak got hard again. He really wanted to touch Jonas, to stroke his bare back, but Jonas didn’t want him to take, he wanted him to give. Isak held his arms still, himself still, he let Jonas take whatever he wanted. He just wished Jonas wouldn’t want to make any more bruises.

Isak’s head was spinning. It was like they had switched places, that Isak was the one drunk and Jonas was sober. His movements had become more focused and defined. He didn’t fumble once when he opened his belt buckle. Isak blushed when he caught himself thinking that maybe Jonas had pretended to be more drunk than he was, just to make this happen, to get Isak into his room. Of course he hadn’t.

Jonas was so hot, too. He had been working out and his pecs and abs were defined and beautiful. Isak looked at that body, intently, just that body now. Not Jonas’ face or into his eyes, only at his body, and he felt desire. He felt his mouth get wetter. He fixed his eyes at Jonas’ hands that were undoing his jeans. His shoulders were getting a bit tired, but that was okay, it wasn’t too bad. He wanted to be perfect for Jonas now, not some whiny and needy bitch like his girls had been.

Jonas chuckled darkly at Isak’s face when he finally took his dick out. It was beautiful. Hard and proud, it wasn’t that long but it was thick. A bit dark in colour, a couple of large veins traveling on its surface.

“Go ahead”, Jonas said, sitting back on his heels. His jeans were still on but the dick was out, Isak crawled to it and looked at it up close. He could smell it, it smelled interesting and alluring, he licked his lips. Jonas told him to get on with it and he did. Isak pushed his tongue out and traced the vein with its tip. It made Jonas shudder and sigh.

Jonas took his blanket and pulled it over Isak and his lap. It got dark, and hot and a bit smothering, but Isak didn’t say anything. Let him have this, he thought, let Jonas have this. He took his hard hot dick into his fingers and guided it closer, he opened his mouth and took it in. The first dick he had ever held beside his own. The first dick he had ever tasted. He heard Jonas’ moans a bit muffled through the blanket. But he heard them. They made him shiver.

Isak pressed his own hard on against the mattress as he took Jonas in deeper. He probably wasn’t any good at this, this was literally his first time at this, ever. But he did his best, he avoided touching Jonas with his teeth and when he felt Jonas’ hand on his head he was mostly relieved. Jonas would guide him. He pushed Isak’s head down further, making him take it in deeper. It hit the back of his mouth and Isak felt like gagging. He suffocated that reflex relatively easy, he always had. As a kid he had impressed his friends by “swallowing” pencils and straws and even sticks. This was of course different, much thicker, much..more. But the principle was the same, and the sounds Jonas made when he noticed how far he could push made Isak feel like purring.

It was a bit odd, hiding under the blanket like this. Isak knew Jonas was not thinking about him right that moment, he was fucking someone else in the mouth like this. Holding their head down, lifting his hips, shoving his dick deep, deep inside. The belt’s buckle made a little cling with every thrust, it was so loud right next to his ear, Isak placed his hand on it to keep it still.

“Don’t touch me”, Jonas grunted. Isak pulled his hand back and leaned onto his elbows, just taking it. It was okay. Jonas had deserved this. If this was what was needed to help him handle his heartbreak then Isak was happy to help him.

Isak wondered if Jonas would come like this. Into his mouth, deep into his throat. Would he be able to taste it if he came back there? Did he want to taste it? He hadn’t made up his mind yet when Jonas pulled his head away from him, grunting again. He hadn’t come. He wanted to fuck now. Isak just knew it. He waited, huddled under the blanket, for what Jonas wanted to do. Nothing happened. Isak stayed under there, he was hot and smothered, he wanted out.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Isak asked. It sounded weird. Wrong. It was not something that Isak was supposed to ask Jonas. “You can if you want to.”

“Shut the fuck up”, Jonas gasped. He was panting. Isak realized that the buckle was still clinging. Jonas was jerking off. Keeping him hidden under the blanket, out of his eyes, jerking off. Isak teared up, not sure why. He was relieved, yes, but it also. It hurt? He hadn’t been sexy enough for Jonas after all. He had wanted to give his body, his virginity, to Jonas to make up for all the shit he has dragged into his life, and Jonas had refused it.

Jonas grunted and the clinging stopped. Isak laid still under the blanket. He wasn’t hard, not anymore, he was. Ashamed? Yes. He felt like a failure, and ashamed, and heartbroken, not just for him but for Jonas too. He had all that dark pain in his heart and it just wouldn’t come out. Isak laid still in the suffocating darkness, listening to his own heavy breathing. He stayed there even when he heard Jonas get up and leave the room. Isak heard him to go to the bathroom and he heard him throw up. He really tried to think it was just all the alcohol.


	2. Punk'd

Isak sat on the table at the park, playing with his phone. He was waiting for the guys to arrive. He’d skipped school today, he hadn’t gotten any sleep at night thanks to mom and he had slept all day. He smothered a yawn and looked up from the screen to see if the crew was in sight or not.

He saw Jonas. Alone. Isak licked his lips quickly, instinctively. They hadn’t talked about it. Not once. Isak wasn’t sure if Jonas even remembered the whole thing at all. But this was the first time Isak was alone with Jonas since that night and he couldn’t help feeling a bit nervous.

“Hey bro”, he greeted Jonas. Jonas sat on the bench in front of him. “Where’s Mags and Mahdi?”

“Getting subs or something. You know them, always hungry.”

Isak tried to laugh. He kind of succeeded. He hadn’t eaten anything all day, just sleeping and he headed out here before mom came home to stop him. He was about to crack a joke about their appetite when Jonas placed his hand on his leg. He grabbed it, and Isak lost the ability to speak. He just stared at Jonas, who was holding his leg, stroking it with his thumb.

“I can barely see your hickey anymore”, Jonas said quietly. Isak covered his neck with his hand. “I suppose the other ones have faded too?”

“Mostly”, Isak mumbled, blushed. Jonas did remember. Why hadn’t he talked about it earlier? “They were really sore, too.”

“I bet you kind of liked that.”

Isak squirmed a bit. Why was this happening? Was this really happening? He had been popping pills lately but he had never had any hallucinations before.

“Not..really, no?”

Jonas squeezed his leg harder. Isak didn’t understand.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing?” Jonas tilted his head, keeping his eyes on Isak. He had the kindest fucking eyes in the world but now there was something hard in them. Cold. He moved his hand slowly higher, over Isak’s knee. “You like this, don’t you? You sick fuck.”

Isak pulled his leg away. It was obvious, Jonas wasn’t well. They had done the intervention and Jonas had agreed to cut back on his drinking. He didn’t seem drunk, but he sure acted weird.

“What have you taken?”

Jonas laughed.

“Nothing?”

Isak shook his head. No. He didn’t buy it, not for a second. Jonas wasn’t himself. And either he was going crazy or on something.

“I won’t tell anyone. I just need to know, man.”

“Oh I know exactly what you need, little bitch.”

Okay. Jonas was crazy. He would never, not ever, call him that. Never. Something was very, very wrong.

“I think you need to stop taking whatever it is you’re taking and see a doctor or something. You’re totally not yourself now. You’re scaring me.”

Where the fuck were Magnus and Mahdi? Were they actually coming at all? Isak had only messaged with Jonas today. He didn’t want to handle this alone. This was not a one man job. Isak jumped when Jonas grabbed his thigh, just above the knee. He grabbed it hard.

“I think you need to stop whining and policing me. Unless you want me to tell everyone what you did to me when I was too drunk to defend myself?”

Oh god. Was that it? Was Jonas pissed off because of what they had done? What Isak had done?

“You kissed me!” Isak hissed, looking around for people who might hear. Nobody, good.

“Irrelevant. You took advantage of me. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you crushing on me big time.”

Isak didn’t know what to do. Jonas was right. He had been crushing on Jonas, and he had been the one sober and Jonas drunk out of his mind. He had done wrong. But what the hell was Jonas doing now, then?

“I don’t understand what you want, Jonas.”

Jonas grinned. There was something dark in that grin. Grim.

“Are you really that naïve? You didn’t seem that innocent with my dick down your throat.”

“Dude!” Isak hissed again, looking around frantically. “Seriously, what’s wrong with you? You’re not being yourself like at all.”

“Maybe you bring this out in me? Ever thought about that?”

Isak blushed. He had never been so ashamed in his life than right now, in the park, with Jonas’ thumb pressing on his inner thigh. He wanted to disappear. He couldn’t. Jonas was holding on to him. Jonas leaned closer, pressed harder.

“I’ve seen you looking at other guys, Isak. That needs to stop.”

Isak couldn’t breathe properly. His heart was racing, as was his mind. Did Jonas. Was he. No, he couldn’t have been, he knew about Isak’s crush on him and never acted on it. But could he have been jealous anyway? He didn’t want Isak, but he wanted his full attention?

“Just one guy. I’m really interested in him.” The beautiful Even. Isak wasn’t quite sure but he might have been one of the Penetrators too, he had seen him wear their jacket every now and then. So, Even was probably easy, thus Isak at least kind of had a chance with him.

Jonas squeezed so hard Isak’s lips were shaking.

“You owe me, Isak. Everything.”

“Please, that hurts.”

“I’ve carried your shit on my shoulders for as long as I can remember.”

“Jonas, you’re hurting me.”

“And for that you will be mine. I have bought you with hard work. Do you understand?”

“Jonas --”

“Do. You. Understand?”

Isak nodded, tears in his eyes. Yes. He understood.

“Say it.”

“I understand.”

“Say. It.”

“I’m yours.”

Jonas let go. He leaned back, grinning again. Isak rubbed his thigh and his eyes. Fuck. He didn’t understand. Or yes, he did understand, like he had just said, he understood what Jonas wanted. But he had no idea why. Why this was happening to him. Jonas didn’t say anything. Isak didn’t want to look at him. It hurt too much.

“What does that mean?” Isak asked, in a tiny voice.

“What does what mean?”

“That I’m yours.”

“It means you stop looking at other boys. It means that when I need you, you will be there. For a fucking change.”

Isak rubbed his eyes again. Jonas was right. He had been carrying Isak for years, and Isak had kind of hoped to find a way to pay him back. Now he had found one. He was happy about that. He could finally even the score.

“Okay.”

“Can you sneak out tonight?”

Isak nodded. He could. He could sneak out basically any night he wanted to.

“Good. Come through the window.”

Jonas stood up. Magnus and Mahdi were obviously not coming. Isak had to tell them about this, about Jonas, something was really wrong with him and -- Jonas pressed his finger on Isak’s lips.

“Remember. Not a word to anyone, about any of this. Or I will tell them what you did to me.”

Isak nodded. Not a word. He had no choice. He would lose his squad if he said anything, and then he might actually kill himself. He didn’t want to die. Jonas pulled his finger away, nodded and turned. Isak watched him walk away, just a bit sick to his stomach. He had gotten what he had hoped for, so bad. It should have felt so much better.

That night Isak took his backpack and sneaked outside. It was easy, as always, by now he was quite convinced that mom knew. Maybe she was relieved. Isak tried not to give a fuck. He put his sneakers on, took his jacket, the backpack, and left. He had done the same a thousand times, sneaked into the night and to Jonas’ room. This wasn’t anything he hadn’t done a million times already. There was no need to be nervous.

Maybe, Isak thought, this was all a joke. Isak would get to Jonas’ house, climb in through the window and there’d be a camera crew or something, someone would jump out and yell PUNK’D and he’d be shocked and mad and finally laugh with everyone because that was what you did when you were shaken to the core by the people you loved and trusted. You played along. If you didn’t play along you’d be left to play alone. Isak was not going to let that happen, never again.

Isak noticed he had started to walk slower. He picked up the pace. Jonas was waiting for him. Jonas wanted him to come and if he didn’t obey he’d tell everyone. Isak had told him he was having these feelings, these emotions, thoughts, about other boys, and Jonas had kept that a secret, it had been their secret for so long that it had become a way of life. What was another secret added to that, it was nothing.

Soon Isak was there. He walked to the house, to the window, he pulled it all the way open and climbed inside. It was dark. Any second now, the lights would turn on and someone would jump out, maybe out of the closet, and he’d be shocked, he’d be mad, he would laugh.

It stayed dark.

It stayed silent.

“Jonas?” Isak whispered. Someone moved on the bed. Yawned.

“Took your sweet time, bitch.”


	3. Perfume

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: flirting with eating disorder

Isak closed the window and put his backpack on the floor. It was dark. Somehow it felt easier. Isak couldn’t see Jonas, he could just work on autopilot here. He tried with his foot. His mattress was on the floor.

Would Jonas fuck him on it tonight?

That thought felt tingly and nauseating at the same time. Isak had been thinking about it a lot in the past months, about having sex with a guy. He had pushed his finger inside him a couple of times, but he had been too nervous and awkward for it to be really enjoyable. He had watched video after video of porn, how the big hard dicks were pushed into tiny holes, wondering if it was possible for him too to stretch like that. Trying to figure out if he wanted that. In a way this was a blessing, Isak thought. He couldn’t back down from this. He would have to go through with it and then he would see if he could.

Isak jumped when he felt Jonas’ breath on the side of his neck. He had got out of bed and walked behind him. Isak tilted his head to the side and Jonas rewarded him by brushing his lips against his skin. That felt nice. It made Isak breathe deeper, close his eyes.

Then he smelled something. A perfume. A familiar one, but from where? Jonas dabbed his fingers on the bird’s nest between Isak’s collarbones and the scent was stronger. Was he. Putting perfume on him? Then it hit him, the memory, he had smelled that scent from Jonas many times. It was his girlfriend’s - ex, ex girlfriend now - perfume. Isak licked his lips slowly. Jonas had earned this. Isak was his.

Jonas wrapped his arms over Isak’s chest and pulled him back. Isak leaned onto him. He was naked. He was hard, Isak could feel his cock against his ass. Jonas ran his hands up and down his body, pressed his face against Isak’s neck and took deep long breaths. Isak noticed he was pacing his own breathing in the same rhythm. It was okay. He was okay. Jonas got him. His chest felt so strong, his arms were so powerful. Isak was safe.

“I’m not mad at you”, Isak whispered. He wanted Jonas to know that he wasn’t mad. Sad, a bit scared, really worried, but not mad. Jonas pressed his palm tight against Isak’s mouth.

“Speak when you’re spoken to, bitch”, he mumbled. And bit. Isak whimpered into his palm while Jonas sucked and nibbled a bruise on his neck again. High up. He couldn’t cover it up with anything. He’d have to make up a story. He had a feeling he would have to make up a lot of them in the near future.

Jonas pulled the zipper of Isak’s hoodie down. The sound of the tiny metal teeth letting go of each other one by one was titillating. It made the hair stand up at the back of Isak’s neck. It was the sound of undressing, of revealing, of bare. Jonas knew Isak had insecurities about his body. They had talked about it a couple of times. Fuck, they had talked about absolutely everything, Jonas knew every bit of Isak inside and out. Isak had been foolish to think he didn’t know about his crush on him as well. Of course he knew.

Suddenly it occurred to Isak that he didn’t know half as much about Jonas. They always talked about him. Isak and Isak’s problems. No fucking wonder Jonas was fed up with it. Isak pressed back a bit harder. He was surrendering. Jonas had earned him.

It was dark. It was so much easier in the dark. Jonas couldn’t see Isak’s body. Isak couldn’t see what Jonas thought about it. He was too skinny, he knew it, skinny and scrawny and in desperate need of the gym. He had made a new hole in his belt last week. He had kind of liked it, and that thought had scared the shit out of him. Boys don’t get that kind of sick.

Jonas pulled the hoodie off Isak’s shoulders and dropped it on the floor at their feet. The string draped over Isak’s ankle. It felt like a shackle. Isak’s t-shirt came off next and then he could feel Jonas’ bare chest against his bare back, skin on skin, and he sighed softly. Jonas was so warm. Isak was constantly a bit cold. The warmth of Jonas, his strength, pulled Isak’s body towards his.

The belt. The buckle clinged as Jonas opened it. His hands paused, puzzled, they pulled the belt as tight as they could and then released slowly. Jonas pulled the belt out of the loops and draped it behind Isak’s neck. The cold metal of the buckle leaned on his left nipple, making it tighten. Isak’s jeans sagged without it, if he tried to walk he’d have to hold on to them. Jonas pulled them down over his hips, without undoing the buttons. Isak could taste the question in the air behind him, he had to do something. He didn’t want to increase his debt to Jonas. Isak reached his hand behind him, on Jonas’ hip, he stroked it tentatively. That worked. Jonas grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm.

“Don’t fucking touch me you dirty faggot.”

Isak squeezed his eyes shut. Faggot. Dirty. Those were true words, but still they hurt. He almost liked it. Pain was a validating feeling. Jonas shoved him away. Isak tripped in his jeans hanging by his knees, he fell over on the mattress. He hit his head on Jonas’ bed, but luckily not on anything hard. Just fabrics and springs and filling. It still made him feel a bit queasy. Or maybe it was the perfume, it was all Isak could smell, it was filling his head and making it swim.

“Quiet!” Jonas hissed. Isak held his breath. They both stayed still, listening to the sounds in the house, but nobody had apparently heard the thud. Isak waited for Jonas to move first. He walked to the bed, and Isak sat up slowly. He was waiting for Jonas to ask if he was okay. He didn’t ask.

Isak felt Jonas’ hand in his hair. It was stroking them, first, then he pushed his fingers into the curls and turned them into a fist. His grip was tight, and it burned Isak’s scalp, it pushed tears out of his eyes. Did Jonas like it rough? Had his girlfriends liked it too? Why didn’t Isak know? Jonas pulled Isak up on his knees by his hair, Isak’s face close to his. Isak could feel his breath on his face, it was almost hot. Almost wet.

“You have a pretty mouth”, Jonas said. His tone made Isak swallow. He heard that it wasn’t a good thing for a boy to have. He was ashamed of his mouth instantly, he had never even thought about his lips but now, yes. They were weak. Demure. Girly. Wrong.

Isak’s trail of thought was cut when Jonas kissed him. His lips were manly. Strong. Powerful. Demanding. They took and Isak’s lips gave, surrendered. His scalp was burning, his lips were shaking, his jeans were digging into his legs when he was on his knees by Jonas’ bed. He was not a man. Not even a boy. He was a bitch. He could taste the desperation and need from his own mouth in the kiss, the need for acceptance. Jonas despised him but at least he saw him. At least he kissed him. Touched him. At least he was there.

Jonas was always there.

Finally he released Isak’s hair. He pushed Isak from the shoulders, lower. He leaned back on his elbows on the bed and offered his hips to him. Isak knew what he wanted. He was kind of happy to give it to him. Isak bowed down, opened his mouth, when Jonas put his hand in between. Isak stopped, confused. Now what? Wasn’t he doing right after all?

“I want you to take it all the way in. Down your throat.”

Isak nodded. Then he remembered it was dark.

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

Isak blinked. Yes what. He was scared again, worried, if he got this wrong what would happen. Jonas seemed to like it rough, maybe he liked it if Isak was submissive too?

“Yes..sir?”

Jonas laughed. It sounded soft and dark. It made Isak blush, his cool skin was glowing heat now.

“No, Isak. Be polite.”

“Yes, please?”

Jonas pulled his hand away.

“Good boy.”

Those two words felt like a jolt of electricity. Jonas calling him a good boy. That was really fucking sick, wasn’t it? Isak was sick and twisted for liking that, for those two words making all  _ this _ okay. Good boy. Good bitch. Isak tried with his fingertips, in secret, and yes, he was hard. Fuck. Sick.

Isak opened his mouth again now that Jonas had taken his hand out of the way. All the way in, Jonas had said. Isak would do it. He knew he could do it, and that felt so fucking good for a change. Knowing he could do something right. Isak took the tip in his mouth first. Jonas was dripping. That felt hot. Being with Isak had made Jonas turned on, despite his scrawny excuse of a body and his girly lips. Isak closed those lips around Jonas’ dick and pushed his head lower. It filled his mouth. It tasted really good. Isak could totally be very into this blowjob thing, oh yes.

“Deeper.”

Isak pushed lower. He accepted, he received, he took it inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, into his mouth. Jonas hit the back. Isak had to adjust his position slightly, to keep the passage straight for Jonas to enter. Deeper. Just a bit deeper. Isak felt the wall now, Jonas’ tip was where his gag reflex wanted to activate. Isak held still, just for a moment, breathing deep into his belly. Relaxing. Then he kept going.

Jonas sighed. He sounded really pleased when he felt Isak’s throat grip the tip of his dick. Isak went all the way down, he buried his nose into the dark curls of hair, he pressed his lips onto his stomach. There it was. All the way in. Isak was tingling. He had done it. He felt the dick in his throat, the muscles pull and squeeze it, and it felt..all over? He could feel it kind of all over his body, this odd unfamiliar sensation, this primal, basic need to let go. He was scared to.

Then Jonas moved.

Isak felt the tip of his dick move in his throat in short little thrusts. He was shaking. He was expanding and imploding at the same time, something hot and shining was forming in his abdomen and spreading out all over, everywhere. It felt like an orgasm building up but instead of his dick it was everywhere, his whole body was one giant dick on the brink of a release. His cheeks were wet with tears and snot and drool, he barely noticed it, he was made of light now, he was nothing, weightless, and so, so, heavy and substantial at the same time, he had no idea what was happening but he didn’t want it to ever end. And then it did. It culminated, climaxed, Isak didn’t shoot out anything but if this wasn’t an orgasm then nothing was. He came, his whole body came, Jonas’ dick deep inside his throat. He could feel something down there, a splash, maybe Jonas came as well, he didn’t know. Right that moment, those seconds of total surrender to his body, he didn’t even care.

Jonas pulled out. Isak was gasping. He leaned his hands on the floor, back arched, gasping and still shaking a bit.

“What the fuck was that?” Jonas asked. Isak wiped his face with the back of his hand.

“I don’t..I..I think I came.”

“Like a girl.”

Isak raised his eyes up at Jonas.

“What?”

“You came like a fucking girl. You didn’t even squirt.”

Tears had been running down Isak’s face for a while, but now they burned. Hot, salty tears of shame. Isak wanted nothing more than Jonas to take him in his arms, to hold him and tell him it was okay, that he was okay. He was not going to get that. Not even close.

“I’m sorry”, he sniffled. Jonas took a tissue paper and gave it to him. Isak wiped his face and blew his nose. He was still shaken.

“Sleep”, Jonas said. He pulled his legs into the bed and pulled the blanket over him. Isak sat on the mattress, his jeans still around his legs, his belt hanging around his neck. He squirmed out of the jeans. He took the belt and wrapped it around his waist. He pulled it to the last hole and buckled it up. The grip felt comforting. It gave him borders. Isak curled up on the mattress and pulled the sheet over himself.

Jonas pushed his fingers into Isak’s hair.

“Good night, bitch”, Jonas whispered. It sounded almost gentle. His touch was soft.

“Good night, Jonas”, Isak whispered back. Jonas pulled his hand away. Isak laid still in the darkness, completely still. The perfume was keeping him awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shout-out for the line "Boys don't get that kind of sick." to the amazing, wonderful, iridescent Patrick Roche. It's from his poem, Hocus Pocus. Go see it, now, if you can take eating disorders and heartache.
> 
> Here, for example:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKpMrHT7UJw


	4. Bathroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Jonas is fucking with Isak's brain by fucking with his body image. Possibly triggering content on eating disorders. Let me know in the comments if you have to skip this but want to know what happened plot wise. (Not much, really.)

Jonas might have been freaked out by Isak’s girl-orgasm. Isak knew he was, he had never experienced anything like that and wasn’t sure if he could cope with doing it ever again. He was relieved that Jonas hadn’t asked him to spend the night after that. He had been normal. Things had been back to normal, the guys hanging out at school and after classes together, laughing, messing around, just having a good time.

A part of Isak missed it, though. He was smart enough to be ashamed of that part, but there was something inside him, a small piece, a sliver, that still ached for Jonas and especially for his approval. That sliver took him over when he was giving himself pleasure, every time, the closer he got to release the stronger it was, the louder it screamed, it called Jonas’ name. But Jonas didn’t even look at him that way. He had fucked up. He had performed so abysmally bad that Jonas didn’t want him anymore. That hurt.

That made him kind of sick, didn’t it?

But he was getting used to the idea. That he was sick. That he was Jonas’ property, and that he was such a wreck, so tainted that Jonas didn’t want to touch him anymore. He could cope with it. He had expertise in coping with shit, years of it, and as the days passed he could act normal again. He could smile. He could laugh so that it sounded authentic.

Mom had been more in control with her life again too. There was food in the fridge and Isak was getting the meat back on his bones. The original holes in his belt were enough to keep his still too big jeans up. He wasn’t so cold all the time. One could say he was doing fine, at least by Isak Valtersen’s standards. As fine as he could expect to be doing. He was very alone and kind of miserable in that loneliness, but it could have been worse.

Isak was stepping out of the bathroom stall when Jonas appeared in front of him and pushed him back inside. He locked the door behind them. Isak’s heart started pounding so loud he was sure Jonas could hear it too, the thuds almost echoed in the tiled walls. Jonas’ pupils were so large his eyes looked black. Worry grabbed Isak’s guts in a tight fist. It squeezed and twisted.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Isak hissed. The bathroom sounded empty but that could change any second. And they were in a stall. Together. Two guys, best bros, behind a locked door. Suspicious. Jonas grabbed Isak’s shirt with both hands and pulled him close to his body. Turned them around and sat down on the toilet seat. Jonas pulled his feet off the floor and pressed them on the door. Only one pair of shoes was visible anymore, good.

Jonas slid his hands down along Isak’s body. He pushed the hem of Isak’s shirt into his pants and checked his belt. He pressed his fingertip in the last hole, frowning just a bit.

“You’re getting fat”, Jonas said. Isak’s knees almost gave in. He was so caught by surprise, both by what Jonas had said - guys don’t say that to guys, do they? - and by how much it burned. Isak’s whole face, ears and neck were bright red and hot, he was so ashamed and he had no idea why.

He had no idea what to say. So he said nothing. He didn’t move either, he just stood there as Jonas opened the buckle and pulled the belt tighter. He closed it again, on the last hole, it was too tight. Uncomfortable but not impossible. Isak swallowed nothing.

“This is as loose as it should ever be. Don’t be disgusting.”

Isak felt tears burn in his eyes. He was so fucking ashamed of his failure of a body, this sad excuse. He now understood why Jonas hadn’t asked him over. He was disgusting.

He should have been grateful. He had told Jonas about his insecurities with the way he looked and now Jonas had taken charge, he was not accepting any more excuses or bullshit from him. He wasn’t happy with his body? Better fucking do something about it, then.

Jonas slipped his hand under Isak’s shirt. His fingers brushed at his skin and made it shiver, sent ripples of pleasure along it. Then Jonas pinched the flab on Isak’s side between his fingers and frowned and Isak wanted to die to escape his shame. Disgusting. Jonas let go and tried his stomach, his fingers looked for abs that just weren’t there. Isak could barely breathe. He had covered his mouth to stay silent, tears ran down his face, he was shaking.

“You’re so lucky we go so way back. I’m the only guy willing to touch you”, Jonas said quietly. “For now. Don’t push it.”

Isak nodded. He nodded repeatedly, still holding his mouth tight, he was promising Jonas he wouldn’t push it. He wouldn’t let himself go more than he already had. He would eat smarter and finally go to the gym, no matter that the mere thought made him nauseous and breathing a chore. Fucking excuses.

Suddenly Isak felt Jonas’ lips right above his belly button. He gasped into his hand. Jonas kissed his skin, his lips were so soft, his tongue so slippery. And then he bit down. Jonas loved biting him, bruising him, Isak had learned that much by now. He had pinched himself in secret, trying to teach himself to like it, but he couldn’t cause as much pain as Jonas did without leaving marks. Isak had a feeling that unknown bruises would’ve made Jonas jealous.

When the mark was done Jonas slid his lips lower. He grabbed Isak from behind the back and pulled his body closer to his face. He used his other hand to undo his jeans and slipped his hand inside them, Isak could feel his breath panting and wet against his belly.

His borderline disgusting belly. Isak whimpered quietly, muffled, Jonas bit harder. When Isak looked down he saw teeth marks. Fuck. People would think he’s kinky.

Well. He kind of was kinky, wasn’t he? Standing here in the bathroom stall, letting his best friend practically eat him up while jerking off, and increasingly aware of his own awakening erection. This was turning him on.

To be precise, Jonas’ sounds were turning him on. They were very silent, this was secret, they couldn’t get caught. But they were horny, low, so fucking masculine and they made Isak shiver, those shivers traveled to his dick and packed into it with blood, begging for touch. He didn’t dare.

Jonas came. He was leaning his sweaty forehead on Isak’s stomach and moaning without making a sound, his breath caught in his throat. Isak’s mouth copied the expression, his stomach moved in waves, he was so fucking turned on. He had to bite his finger when Jonas pressed his sperm stained palm on his crotch, against his hard dick.

“Fucking perv”, Jonas muttered. But he kept touching Isak. He rubbed the gunk from his hand onto Isak’s jeans, pressing down hard. Isak’s hips bucked, towards that hand, he needed it so fucking bad.

“Please”, Isak said, with his lips only, not with his voice. Please, please Jonas. Jonas rolled his eyes but kept his hand there, his palm firm, he held on and let Isak grind his hips against it. He looked bored by the time Isak finally came into his underwear.

“You’ll owe me, freak.”

Isak nodded. He was a bit dizzy, flushed, he was a mess. He pulled his shirt down. Jonas grabbed the hem and tucked it under his waistband. His stained crotch was only barely covered, Isak had no idea if him walking would make it flash visible. He wanted to die again, he wanted the ground to split and swallow him whole. Someone could see the stain and recognise it, Isak’s closet would fall apart like used Ikea furniture put back together one time too many.

“Fuck off”, Jonas scoffed. Isak slipped out of the booth and rushed out of the bathroom without even washing his hands.


	5. Image

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some tags, check them out before proceeding, thank you!  
> CW: Isak is flirting with his budding eating disorder again.

Isak stood in his room in front of the mirror. He had taken it down from the wall so he could place it in an angle where he could see his body but not his face. It was easier to dislike something that didn’t look familiar. The music was blasting from the bluetooth speaker connected to his phone, it was on too loud, it almost hurt his ears and head. It ate up all the oxygen from the room and made his head fuzzy. Or it could have been the fact he hadn’t eaten that day. Or both.

He kind of liked it, to be honest. Having a reason for his weakness. If you don’t eat, you won’t become big and strong, right? You will have no hope. Isak looked at the mirror, the reflection of failure and negligence, poorly masked by loose fitting clothes. He was fooling absolutely nobody. He took a deep breath and pulled his hoodie off over his head. His eyes were immediately fixed on the teeth marks on his abdomen. The curved shape, near oval, he could make out the individual teeth in the bruise if he looked carefully. He ran his finger along the arch. There was a molar, there a canine. The image of Jonas’ perfect teeth, imprinted on his skin.

He was so fucking sick. But he was kind of turned on. He remembered Jonas’ moans, grunts, his musky scent, his hot breath, and he was turned on. He thought about Jonas running his mouth along his skin and his nipples got tight. What kind of a twisted bastard gets turned on from being used like that?

Isak knew it. Jonas was using him. Knowing it made no difference anyhow, Jonas had him. Owned him. And for some reason Jonas was willing to touch him. A guy. A hot guy wanted to touch him and Isak would do his very best to keep him wanting that. But that would take work. All good things in life took effort. A blessing required a sacrifice, an absolution called for repentance and service.

The belt’s buckle clinged as Isak opened it. He pulled it as tight as he possibly could and pushed the prong into the strap. It bit down on the leather and left a mark. Isak pulled the belt off the loops and checked the distance between the last hole and the mark he had just made. It was so long. He had that much extra. Isak measured the distance with his fingers and used that fork to grab his flabby belly. He could feel it, how loose it was, how nonsubstantial. It would have to go.

Isak made a  hole in the belt where the mark was. That was his goal. It was so far away but it still calmed him with its mere existence. He had something to aim for. He had a purpose. He had been drifting for so long and now he had spotted land. Isak pulled the strap through the buckle and fastened the belt in the new hole. It made a circle that looked delightfully small. He would take so little space instead of wasting it like he now was. He would fast, he would serve, he would get closer to God. Mother would be so proud.

He didn’t really think about what he was doing. He just did it, somehow the belt ended up around his neck. Like it had been when Jonas had made him come like a girl. Then he pulled the strap through the buckle’s frame and tightened it into a collar with a leash. Jonas’ dog. His bitch. Isak wrapped the strap around his left hand and pushed his jeans down with his right hand. He was hard. His dick loved the idea of being a bitch for Jonas to toy with. It was sick. It had made a wet tiny stain on his underwear. Isak pressed his thumb on it, hard, and moaned.

Isak slipped his hand inside his boxers. There it was, his rock hard dick, his source of impurity. It wanted bad things. Nasty, sick, twisted things, it took over his mind and his body and commanded him because he was so weak. Isak looked at the bruises on his stomach and wrapped his fingers around his weakness. He gripped it hard. He squeezed until his eyes filled with water and he had to blink it out, down his cheeks. He released. Squeezed. Released. He tried praying, but that felt sacrilegious. He had no right to get God involved in this. He was on his own.

It was just him.

It felt so fucking lonely. But seeing the marks Jonas had left him reminded him that he wasn’t alone all the time. Isak looked at them, counted them over and over again, and at some point realized he had started to touch himself. His hand moved inside his boxers, stroking his dick slowly, obeying its command. He should have stopped immediately. He shouldnt’ have started. But he was weak. Sick and weak.

He was a bitch.

Isak pulled on the belt. Just a bit. It tightened around his neck. Not much, but it was enough to make his head feel lighter. To his surprise it also made his dick more sensitive. Or, to be precise, it made the sensations, the pleasure, created by him touching his dick, more intense. He swallowed. It was hard because of the belt, and that also turned him on more. His sickness, his wickedness, made him horny.

He pulled a bit harder. His knees buckled. He had to open his mouth to breathe, to gasp, and he moved his hand faster. He looked at his image on the mirror, the jeans bunched up around his knees, his hand inside his boxers, his disgusting flabby belly decorated with bruises, the strap of the belt hanging down between his hard nipples. The image of a sick twisted bitch.

“Bitch”, Isak whispered hoarsely between his gasps. “Slut. Bitch. Whore. Harlot. Fag.”

All the things he was not supposed to be and still was.

“Fat.”

He pulled harder. His cheeks felt hot, his face was probably crimson red, he stopped breathing because he couldn’t. He kept jerking off, faster, hurriedly, he couldn’t say anything out loud anymore but he repeated it in his head. Fat sick cock sucking faggot bitch. He said it in Jonas’ voice.

When he came his legs gave up and he fell on his knees. He let go of the belt and yanked it loose just before passing out. His heart was throbbing, his dick was still pulsating in his hand, he was seeing shooting stars and black spots. Holy fuck. What the fuck was wrong with him? He looked at the mirror, at his red tear and drool stained face, his gasping mouth, the red ring of the belt around his neck. What the fuck. Was. Wrong with him?


	6. Gym

Sweats. A t-shirt. Boxers. Socks. A pair of shoes. A towel. A bottle for water. How could so little stuff packed in a gym bag weigh so much? It felt like some gravitational anomaly. The Earth was pulling the bag towards itself with quadruple strength. It made Isak drag his feet. It made him sweat. It made his heart pound louder and louder by each step he took.

The gym. He couldn’t afford an actual membership to any real one, so he would have to use the one at the school. He had turned back twice already but forced himself to keep going. He had to do this. All he had to do was pinch at his belly and he turned back around and made his way to the gym. He had no choice. It had been just one time. He could do this.

Isak felt sick to his stomach. He had made it to the hallway already. He could see the locker room doors. It was okay, he whispered to himself. It was okay. He was okay with it now. He was still in the closet but he was okay with him being gay. There was nothing to fear anymore. It was just that everything here was so much the same. The sounds. The colours, the shade of the light. The smells. When Isak opened the locker room door he was immediately brought back to the worst fucking moment in his life.

“It’s okay”, he muttered under his breath. He forced his feet to move. He ripped them off the floor one by one, with all his strength, and he stepped inside. He did it. He was in. His body was shaking all over, in full alert mode, he knew he was going to get a fucking panic attack any second now. A body can only panic for twenty minutes. Then it’d be over and he’d get to melting his fat away. He had downloaded a podcast to his phone, a full workout routine designed to get rid of all the excess. It was only forty five minutes long, but he could do it three or four times in a row.

First he had to get through this paralyzing terror. He looked around in the locker room. It was empty. But he could hear someone was in the gym. He heard the clings and clangs of metal, and soft grunts. Maybe it was a girl. Isak really hoped it was a girl. He couldn’t tell if any of the cabinets were taken or not. He couldn’t risk it. Someone might come in here from the outside too, blissfully unaware of the horror about to burn their retinas off.

Isak slipped into the bathroom with his bag. He locked the door of the stall and changed his clothes there. Standing half dressed in a bathroom stall made him feel sick again. He had to pick up the bag from the toilet lid and throw up. It was mostly acid. He hadn’t eaten all day. Isak stroked at his stomach with his fingertips, at the imprints his waistband had bitten into his skin. The belt was still too tight. That was about to change soon.

He filled his water bottle from the tap and rinsed his mouth. He spit in the sink and pushed himself back into the locker room. It was empty. Good. He picked a locker at random and shoved his bag in there. His hands were still shaking when he locked the locker and shoved the key into his pocket. He took his water bottle and his towel and entered the gym. Someone was indeed there. Her back to the door, long hair tied into a messy bun, doing squats in black gym tights. Isak tried to slip past her to the cross trainer but he failed to go unnoticed.

“Hi. I haven’t seen you before?”

It wasn’t a girl. It was a boy. A pretty boy, tiny and skinny and his crop top showed off his flat abs in a way that made Isak squirm. He was so jealous. He got on the machine and looked at the controllers. Hm.

“Hey. It’s been a while, yeah.” Years. Two years. But here he now was, and this new equipment confused him. Or maybe it was just the tiny boy and his abs of steel.

“It’s the red button. Counterintuitive.”

Isak blushed. And pushed the red button and yes, the screen lit up. Good. He took his phone out and plugged the headphones in.

“I’m just gonna uh..”

The boy smiled. He had a pretty smile, too. An even line of white teeth.

“Of course. I’ll stop bothering you now.”

He got back to his squats. Isak put the headphones in his ears and started the podcast. The music played, the instructor told him to keep up with the rhythm and which setting to use. Isak played it safe and added a couple of notches extra resistance. He needed to get in shape fast. Before Jonas found someone better. Like that boy right in front of Isak, in his skimpy little outfit and his perfect little body. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him, but he was sure the gym slut didn’t mind. That was why he was parading his goods like that, right?

Isak went faster. He was running away from his thoughts, from the words ringing in his ears. They weren’t his words, not originally. He had heard them long ago and was now repeating them, and he wasn’t sure if he was talking to the boy in front of him or the boy long ago. Maybe both. Faster. Slut. Faster. Showing off. Faster.

When Isak opened his eyes the other boy was on his knees on the floor next to him. Isak’s face was fet. The boy had poured water on him.

“Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself when you fell?”

The headphones were on Isak’s chest. The podcast was still playing. The instructions were loud and clear, Isak was supposed to add the resistance now and here he was, just resting around on his lazy fat ass.

“That’s a good program”, the boy said. “Just a bit short, but if you do it four or five times you’re good.”

Isak blushed. The boy knew. He recognised the podcast and probably knew where Isak had got it and. Fuck.

“But you have to do it on a day when you’ve been filling up on carbs. Or you will just pass out and miss your workout.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

The boy blinked. He looked adorable confused.

“What do you mean?”

Isak sat up slowly. He took his towel from the floor and dried his face in it.

“I mean. Why do you care? You look incredible, you shouldn’t even notice my existence.”

“Well, firstly, it’s hard to miss someone when they tumble down on the floor from a cross trainer. Second. I don’t just look like this. I work my ass off to make my ass spectacular. And I didn’t do it alone. Everyone needs a hand at some point, you know?”

He didn’t just look like that. Well, of course not. He did something about it. Unlike Isak. Jonas had been right, he was fucking disgusting. Shame burnt on his cheeks and in his eyes, hot tears gathered behind his eyelids.

“Give me your phone.”

Isak opened his eyes. His phone? Why? But he unlocked the screen and handed his phone over. The boy took it and added a contact.

“This is William. He has good stuff, not some shit from the streets. High end product.”

“You did not just tell me you have a dealer and give his info to me.”

“It’s not illegal. Just some pills to keep your appetite at bay. Tell him Mikael gave you this number.”

“Uh. Okay..?” Isak still didn’t believe him. People did not just randomly give out this kind of information. They did not. Then again, this guy - Mikael - did know that Isak was committed to this, right? He knew the program he was following. He knew Isak had used more resistance than he was supposed to, he knew Isak hadn’t been eating today. Isak was serious. Then he looked Mikael in the eye for the first time. He saw his eyes, his blown out pupils. He was high on something. Mikael didn’t think Isak was worthy of his trust, he was just having bad judgement.

That didn’t make his offer less legit, though. Isak put the phone back into his pocket.

“I should just go now. Before I pass out again.”

“Remember. Carbs. Eat at least two apples before workout.”

Isak nodded.

“Okay. Thanks. See you around.”

He went to the locker room, took his bag and just left without changing his clothes. He was never coming back here again. He’d rather do this just at home, some body weight training or something. He sure had a lot of that to work with, fat fuck. Isak was still a bit light headed when he stepped outside but that was just an excuse, wasn’t it. He strapped the gym back tight on his back and started running. As soon as he got home he’d call this William guy. Mikael had cheated his way into that body with William’s help, and Isak was sure as hell going to get a piece of that action to himself. Jonas would be so pleased with him.

And maybe, Isak thought as his feet padded at the street in an increasing pace, just maybe he might be as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not trying to make this a text book example of how eating disorders work. This is Isak-specific behaviour, and partially based on real life experiences with myself and people I know.


	7. Phone

Isak wrote and erased a message after message. He was laying in his bed with two water bottles strapped on each of his ankles, doing leg lifts as he was typing. There was no excuse for just laying around doing nothing, lightheaded or not. Besides it was good to have your legs above your heart when feeling dizzy, right? Altering each leg was pretty much the same, Isak reckoned, only more energy consuming.

He almost dropped the phone on his face when it buzzed in his hands. A message, from Jonas. A picture. Isak hesitated to open it. He was not in the mood to talk to Jonas at all, and he was trying to compose a good opening message to William so he could get on with his project full throttle. But Jonas might be pissed if he didn’t respond soon enough. It might be something important. Isak licked his lips slowly, took a deep breath, lifted his feet higher in the air in a faster pace. Okay. He opened the message.

He made a tiny sound when he saw the picture. It was Jonas, or at least part of him, the still slightly scary but oh so tempting too, alluring and interesting. Isak’s heart was fluttering out of fear and desire when he ate up the image of the hard dick with his eyes. It was his. Jonas had sent him a dick pic. He was honoured. And embarrassed. He looked at it for what felt like an eternity, then Jonas sent him another message.

Jonas  
Tell me what you want to do with it

Now Isak dropped his phone on his face. His hands were shaking. His legs had stopped moving. He fished the phone back in his hands and knew that Jonas knew he had seen the messages. Oh god.

Isak  
I don’t know

Jonas   
You will have to do better than that

Isak blushed. Jonas was right, of course he would have to do better. Be better. Isak really wanted to tell him how he went to the gym today and how he had eaten nothing all day, just like a kid showing his mother a picture he drew at school. But that was the issue, wasn’t it, it was childish. Jonas would never love a whiny needy bitch.

Wait, what? Love? He did not want Jonas to love him, did he? He was over him! A long time ago! Isak covered his mouth with his hand and started moving his legs again. High lifts, no kicks, feel the burn. He heard the water splash inside the bottles and realized how dry his mouth felt.

Jonas  
Get your dirty hands out your pants and tell me

Isak bit his lip. He would do this. He would have to do this. Jonas wanted to sext and he would have to take part in it. No matter how bad he would be at it. He took a deep breath and after fixing like twenty typos he finally sent his reply.

Isak  
I would touch it

Jonas  
Better

Isak  
I would suck it

Jonas  
Seriously? Are you even trying?

Isak stopped. He hesitated. He had touched Jonas. He had sucked him too, he had let him fuck him in his throat and just thinking about that, with Jonas on the other end of this conversation, made Isak hard. The way he had come with Jonas in his throat had been just incredible. But they still hadn’t gone all the way.

Isak  
I would sit on it

His heart was pounding after he hit send. He had crossed the line. The final line, he could call whatever he was doing with Jonas anything else but if Jonas actually put his dick inside Isak’s ass they would be fucking. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that, but Jonas seemed to want more.

Jonas  
I bet you would you fucking fag  
You would probably break it  
And you really suck at this too

Isak could barely feel his legs anymore. He kept on lifting them, higher, slower, his movements rubbed his slacks over his hard dick in feathery touches. Enough to keep it hard but not enough for release. He barely noticed that, either. Jonas wasn’t happy with him.

Isak  
I don’t know how  
This is first time I do this  
Please tell me what to do

Jonas  
Too much trouble  
You killed the mood already  
Bravo Isak  
Stop crying you fucking wimp

Isak rubbed the tears off his cheeks. How did Jonas know he was crying? Well. Of course he knew. He was weak. He was pathetic and disgusting but he would be better, he really fucking would. Higher. Slower. Feel the burn, bitch.

Isak  
I’m sorry  
I’ll do better next time

Jonas  
What next time?  
I’m not bothering anymore  
At least you know how to suck dick  
Maybe make a career of it too

Isak covered his mouth with his hand. Why was Jonas so mean to him? Was he still just so angry because of that one night, when Isak had taken advantage of him when he was drunk? Probably. He wasn’t wrong to be.

Why the fuck was he still so hard?

Isak ran his fingers down from his mouth to his crotch. He was so hard. His slacks were forming a little tent, and his dick was the aching pole. Isak didn’t stop lifting his legs when he slipped his hand under the waistband. He was breathing heavily already, before he had even touched himself, and when he wrapped his fingers around it he sighed.

Isak  
I’m sorry

Jonas  
You better be

Isak moved his hand in the same pace with his legs. Slow, smooth. He opened the picture again. There it was, the dick that had made him come like nothing ever. Isak could almost taste it in his mouth. He missed it. He missed Jonas. The sound of his voice, the low husky whispers against his skin when he called him a freak. He was so sick. He wanted to hear his voice, he wanted to feel him. Desperately.

He regretted it when it was too late. Thank god he had been smart enough to not FaceTime him, but calling Jonas was almost just as bad. Especially since Jonas answered and Isak couldn’t speak. He was panting, from the exercise and from his own fingers, and when Jonas heard him he laughed. It was a dark dark chuckle that sent shivers down Isak’s spine.

“Fucking perv”, Jonas said. Isak could hear a zipper. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. He had to stop moving his legs, he left them both up in the air, slightly spread, and tensed his core muscles and buttocks and just rubbed at his dick, faster. He was panting, he was gasping, he heard Jonas breathe heavier too and a distant sound of him fapping with him. He felt so close to him. And Jonas didn’t have to look at his disgusting body. This was perfect, right?

They didn’t talk. They just listened, to each other breathing and moving, clothes rustling, hands sliding on dicks back and forth faster and faster, their breaths more demanding. A single  _ shit _ or  _ fuck _ slipping out with a sigh here and there, few and far between. It was so good. It was so nice.

Isak came first. He came whimpering and repeating his name, Jonas, Jonas. He had pulled the waistband down so he wouldn’t mess his pants but couldn’t bare his stomach so he just messed his shirt instead. It was needing a wash anyway, he was covered in sweat. He lowered his legs and let go of his dick slowly, catching his breath, and listened to Jonas get closer and closer to coming until he did. It was silent, an absence of noise, as Jonas focused completely on how it felt. When the wave washed him ashore he made a tiny sound, then he was breathing again.

Isak closed his eyes. He listened to Jonas, his heavy breathing, he could almost imagine him being in his bed right next to him.

Jonas hung up.


	8. Party

Isak fiddled with his bracelet constantly. It was a simple leather string, wound four times around his wrist, dark brown. He had tried to wrap it five times but that had cut his circulation completely. The anger that had provoked in him had frightened him a bit. It was insane to be mad at your wrist for not being thin enough, even Isak knew that much. He had left the string on his desk, walked into the kitchen and made himself a sandwich. A two tiered one, with three whole slices of bread and half the fridge inside. It had tasted amazing.

It was nice to be not starving for a change. He felt energetic and like he could actually think properly, without his thoughts getting tangled up in the neurons in his brain. He had almost erased William’s number from his phone too, but just almost. He remembered what Jonas had said to him. Isak wasn’t sure what it would take to actually break a dick, but he knew what Jonas had meant. So, instead of erasing the number he had finally texted William and got an invitation to a “Penetrator party” as a response.

And here he now was. His skinny jeans didn’t need a belt but he wore it anyway, one hole too tight, his shirt was almost skin tight and his fingers couldn’t leave his bracelet alone for a second. Isak looked at the house in front of him, at the people going in, he heard the bass thump from the blasting music. It was a party. He had been to dozens of parties. There was absolutely no need to be nervous about this one, especially since none of his friends ever attended these parties. This was a step up on the social ladder, and he had Mikael to thank for this.

Maybe Even was in there somewhere as well? He went to Nissen at the same time with these guys, right? Isak brushed at the hem of his shirt with his fingertips but pulled himself together. He looked fine. These jeans made his legs super long and thin and his ass looked at least okay. Isak took a deep breath and walked to the door.

He recognised the song that was playing, but he couldn’t remember its title or performer. The place was packed with people drinking and dancing and hooking up everywhere. Isak noticed that everyone was hot. Every single person in this party was hot and Isak must have stuck out like a sore thumb. When he felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder he expected to be escorted out.

“William wants to see you”, the young man said. He had to lean close to Isak’s ear so he could hear him. “This way.”

Isak followed the guy. William was deep inside the apartment, in the master bedroom, and when the door closed behind Isak’s back the music was muffled almost completely. He could hear his own heart thumping, fast and nervous.

It was dark. Isak could hear someone move in the room. That someone came closer, and Isak backed down until he hit the door. His lips felt dry. He licked them quickly. He could feel the heat radiate from another body, so close to his, and he was breathing heavier, slower. The lights turned on.

It was William. Isak had seen him at Nissen, now that the guy was right there in front of him Isak remembered him. He was also hot, in the most polished way possible. He looked like he was cut out of a glossy magazine. His hair was flawless, his skin too, and his eyes narrowed ever so slightly when he stepped back and took a look at Isak. He nodded.

“I knew I could trust Mikael. He sends only hot people my way.”

Isak blushed. One, William thought he was hot. Two, also Mikael, the slutty gym god, thought he was hot, and he had seen Isak in gym clothes.

“Mikael said you’d have something to help me uh.” Isak paused. What would he call it? He was not going to say “lose weight” and remind William, who considered him hot, of all the fat and flab. “Reach my goals.”

William smiled. Or smirked. Isak wasn’t sure which it was. Maybe William had that kind of a face. He reached into his pocket and took a small square of foil and plastic out. He pushed the pill on his palm and raised his hand on his mouth. He pressed the pill on his tongue and showed it to Isak, raising his brow. Isak looked at it, the white circle in the middle of the dark glistening pink. William was so close that he didn’t have to take one step to reach his mouth.

Isak caught the pill on his tongue. He was retreating but William grabbed the back of his neck. Kept him there. The bitter taste of the pill dissolved on his tongue while his lips were inspected by William’s lips, locked in a kiss that didn’t ask for permission. Isak couldn’t help it, a small sigh escaped him, his body relaxed just the tiniest bit against William. He thought Isak was hot.

That was such a turn on.

William pressed Isak against the door with his body. His tongue tried to get in but Isak waited until the pill was gone before he parted his lips for it. His head was spinning. He couldn’t really feel his legs. It was okay, William was holding him up. Isak felt his tongue slide in his mouth, rub against his, he made a small sound that resembled a yes. William was a great kisser. Excellent rhythm and power combo, great choreography, the intensity just right. Isak was gasping when William pulled back.

“Do you really think I’m hot?” Isak whispered. William laughed. He sounded surprised but amused.

“I like tall guys. And you have a pretty mouth.”

There it was again. Isak’s pretty mouth. First Jonas and now William and it still felt embarrassing. Made him blush. He was feeling dizzy and light at the same time, like he was floating. Intensely focused. Full of energy. It was like eating that sandwich but without anything heavy in his stomach afterwards. Mikael hadn’t been kidding about William’s stuff. It was real good.

“Want to see what I can do with it?”

It was a rush. A high. Isak was being blunt and suggestive and instead of William mocking him or pushing him down he expressed interest and delight.

“Hell yes”, he said and grabbed Isak’s shirt. He backed away to the bed and fell over on his back on it, pulling Isak with him. They kissed again, for a long time, Isak felt William’s hands travel along his body, slipping under and inside his clothes in search for skin, he stroked his own hands along William’s picture perfect body and even though it wasn’t Jonas it was good.

William grabbed his shoulders and pushed down. Isak slid along his body until he was on his knees on the floor, between William’s legs. His jeans were bulging already. Isak pressed his mouth on it, he rubbed his face against it and nibbled along the hard shaft with his lips. While at it he popped the button open and pulled the zipper down, and when he could smell the musky heat through William’s silk boxers his mouth was watering.

Isak eased the waistband of the boxers down over William’s dick. It was. Different. It was a bit thinner and somewhat longer than Jonas had, much lighter in colour and almost porcelain smooth. He had no hair down there either. Isak licked his lips slowly. He felt William’s hand in his hair. He was getting impatient.

“It’s nice”, Isak said. He had no idea why. William was surprised by his comment as well, he chuckled and stroked at Isak’s hip with his foot.

“Thanks. I’ve had it all my life.”

Isak blushed. And licked his lips again. When William tugged at his hair ever so lightly Isak closed his eyes.

“You can be rougher.”

“You can take it in your mouth.”

Yes. Of course. Isak opened his eyes and his mouth, he leaned closer and caught the tip with his lips. The flavour surprised him. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t particularly delicious either, but it was also new. It tasted different. Did all dicks taste different? William was sighing softly, stroking his hair, as Isak took him deeper and sucked at it. But try as he might, he couldn’t get it all the way in from this angle. He pulled back.

“Stand up.”

“What?”

“Stand up. Please.”

Isak didn’t have to do this, he could have just sucked William off and be done with it. But he wanted to show off. He wanted to amaze William so he would tell him how good he was, and he would not have sufficient skills in normal dick sucking for that. Jonas had made it perfectly clear.

Isak sat down on his heels. He waited. William finally caught on and sat up, then stood up. Isak looked at the dick towering right in front of his face and smiled. Time to dazzle. He opened his mouth and took William in. He took him deeper. And deeper. And deeper.

“Holy shit”, William gasped when he hit the back of Isak’s mouth and Isak just kept going. Isak’s skin was tingling all over. He remembered how he had come last time, with Jonas, how he had come like a girl and he couldn’t wait for that to happen again. He took slow deep breaths. He relaxed. He pushed his ass and shoulders back to straighten his throat and then he took it all the way down.

“Holy fuck!”

Isak could feel it. The sensation deep inside him, in a spot that he had no name for, it was building up and spreading. He was turning into a dick again, cell by cell, and he felt his throat grip William’s dick tighter. It pulled it in, it wanted it deeper. He kept breathing. He took William by the hips and encouraged him to move, in small slow thrusts. He reached further down than Jonas had and it was once again a new experience, and it was lovely, but the best thing about all this was how he felt William’s knees shake.

Isak wanted to moan but couldn’t. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t. He could just stay there and take it, take it, take it, and love every second of it. He was glowing again. He was coming soon, he knew it, his toes curled up already.

William pulled out. It almost hurt, how suddenly his throat was empty again, it took a few seconds for him to remember how to breathe normal. He closed his eyes and lowered his head. He hadn’t been good enough after all. He waited for William to tell him how bad he was at this.

“Fuck! That was incredible. Where did you learn to do that?”

Isak blinked. Say what?

“But..you pulled out.” Why had he pulled out if he liked it? Did he know Isak would come from it and wanted to deny him? Isak didn’t look up, he couldn’t.

“I was going to come any second now. I don’t want to come too soon.”

Isak could think of only one reason why William didn’t want to come in his mouth. He wanted to come somewhere else. He was pale and blushing at the same time, his face and neck blotchy and spotted.

“I’m. I haven’t.” He couldn’t even say it. It was so embarrassing. What the hell was he doing here, then? But the lovely white circle from William’s tongue made it easier to stay. He was feeling good, and he really, really wanted to come. And to make William come.

“Pull my pants down.”

Isak obeyed. He grabbed William’s jeans and boxers and pulled them down to his ankles. William removed his shirt himself and dropped it on the floor as he stepped out of his pants. Isak looked up at him. He had a great body. He’d been working out and it showed.

“I’m not that hot.” Fuck, what was in that pill? He kept saying stupid things and not caring.

“Hey. Look at me.” Isak did. He looked up, at William, in his eyes. “I can get anyone in this party. I picked you.”

Isak nodded. He wanted to protest. But he didn’t. He was too horny for conversation. And too scared. William gave Isak his hand and Isak took it, allowed him to pull him up. He also allowed William to undress him. The belt was the worst part. But William didn’t seem to be interested in it at all, when he had opened the buckle he just yanked Isak’s jeans open and pulled them down. Isak was naked and hard and William actually touched his dick. It was just a stroke, a greeting, like a handshake, but it made Isak drip.

He kissed William. He wanted to stall. He wanted William to touch him again, to hold him, anything but. But it was no use, William turned him around in the kiss and pushed him down on the bed. Isak looked up at him. At his dick. It was about to be inside him soon, and that thought made his stomach curl into a ball. Jonas would kill him for giving this to someone else.

When Isak felt the lubricated finger against his hole he couldn’t help it. His body wasn’t listening to him at all, it had taken control, it did not want this. No matter how hard William tried, Isak’s hole did not accept his finger inside it. It did not. Until it actually started to hurt and he couldn’t hold back a whimper and a flinch.

“Okay. So this is not happening.”

Isak sniffled. Fuck he was pathetic. He couldn’t even take a dick. He couldn’t take a finger! William would make him leave and tell everyone that he was simply unfuckable and he would stay a virgin all his life.

William landed next to him, on his back, and spread his legs.

“You fuck me, then.”

Isak blinked. Confused. What the fuck was happening? He hadn’t come up with anything when William grabbed his dick and stroked it slowly.

“This seems to be in perfect working order. Stick it in me.”

Oh god. Isak had no idea how.

“How do I..I can’t just stick it in there, right?”

“Fraid not. Here.” William gave Isak the lube. He crawled on the bed all the way, and rested his head on the pillow. He spread his legs again and caught Isak between them.

Isak opened the lube. He took some on his finger and rubbed it on his hand. It was so slippery. He let William take his wrist and pull his hand to his ass.

“Just slip it in there. Please. I just want to fuck, I don’t care which way round.”

Okay. Okay. He could do this. He wanted to fuck, too, he really wanted to fuck. So bad. And William was so nice to him. He made him feel hot. Isak bit his lip gently and pressed his finger between William’s buttocks. They both gasped when it slipped in. William was so tight, and so receiving. He pressed his hips against Isak’s hand and he slid deeper. All the way in.

“Fuck, stop teasing me! Fuck me!”

Oh. Right. Isak pulled his finger almost all the way back and pushed it back in. It felt hot. Exciting. He was fucking William now, legit fucking him with his finger. William made delicious little moans with each push.

Soon William demanded more. He told Isak to use two fingers. He tried to but it didn’t really work, then he added lube and tried again. That worked. He managed to get them in and William was moaning louder. Isak liked that. He felt sexy. His dick was so hard it ached.

“Bitch”, Isak mumbled under his breath, just to try it out. He didn’t expect William to hear it.

“Fuck you too”, William snapped. “Some respect, thank you.”

Isak stopped moving his hand.

“I can also just leave.”

Fuck, he felt powerful. He felt like Jonas. William was his little bitch. His Isak.

That bubble was burst fast. William shoved his hand away and sat up.

“Fucking leave then. I’m not your bitch, period.”

Isak kissed him. He couldn’t think of anything else to do. That seemed to work, William’s tongue welcomed his and William wrapped his arms around Isak’s back, pulled him closer. It was the pill. Isak was now almost certain of it. He was still horny, he was upset and scared and unsure of himself but he was so fucking horny.

Kiss and make up wasn’t fucking around. It really worked. William pushed Isak on his back on the bed and straddled him.

“You get to fuck me. But I’m not your bitch. Win-win, lover boy.”

William lubed Isak’s dick up. He grabbed it from behind his back and guided it to his hole. When he landed down on it Isak stopped thinking about anything else. The music that was blasting in the living room disappeared completely, his sadness washed away, his stress was wiped out. This was it. His first fuck. With a boy so hot he could have anybody he wanted, and he wanted Isak.

William rode him. He rocked his hips back and forth, Isak slid in and out of him, and all he could actually do himself was to try to keep himself from coming too soon. He didn’t want to come too soon, it would be fucking embarrassing. The worst possible mistake. He had to hang on. It was just so hard, William looked incredible on top of him, his own dick flapping against his belly with each move he made. So hot.

Isak grabbed that flapping dick. He grabbed it tight and moved his hand with William’s hips. He didn’t say it out loud but he repeated it in his head. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Isak. Isak. Isak.

He came. His dick inside a boy, a boy’s dick in his hand, he came. His first orgasm like that, and it was. He wasn’t sure. It just. Was? It was almost like he had missed it, it was so sudden and then it was over, and he was left on the bed, slipping flaccid out of William who had not come yet.

William grabbed his wrist. He moved his hips, fucking Isak in his fist, and after a few thrusts he came too. He came on Isak’s stomach. Isak could feel his own cum drip out of William on his thigh and dick. It felt like a dream. Like he was somewhere far away. What was in that pill?

When could he take another one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going for "hot but something is off" with this one. I hope it wasn't too messy.


	9. Bedroom

Isak sat on his bed with a pill on his palm. It was the last one. He looked at it carefully, at the white slightly coarse surface, the beautiful perfectly circular curve of its edge. He rolled it over with his fingertip. He really, really wanted to take it, but it was the last one and he needed to save it. Like, for when mom and dad got back from their trip. They’d be so pissed at each other after that, they always were. Every once in a while they’d decide that they just needed some time off away from everything to rediscover each other, and they’d book a cabin or something and get, willingly, stuck together for three days and every time the days after that were pure hell.

Isak needed to save the last pill for that.

His stomach growled. Isak put the pill back into the small tin box and slipped it in his pocket. He pressed his hand firmly against his belly and pushed down. Hush. No. He stroked at the belt with his fingertips, the buckle, locked into the hole Jonas had ordered for him, and he knew that he could pull it one notch tighter with ease. That thought felt so good, the satisfaction he anticipated to see on his best friend’s face, when he’d see how well Isak had done. That thought filled him with exhilarating joy, and as he closed his eyes he was smiling with his teeth showing.

He had hidden it at school. He’d worn a pullover under his hoodie, two pairs of long johns under his baggiest jeans, he’d stolen mom’s makeup to mask the shadows beneath his cheek bones. He wanted to keep it a surprise for Jonas, so he could get the full blast of his approval at once. Isak felt full of life and energy, and so very, very light, and whenever he took a pill he would just float up like a balloon, like a feather, like a paper bag.

His phone beeped. It was Jonas. He knew Isak’s parents were away and wanted to come over. A warm heavy feeling filled up Isak’s empty stomach. He replied immediately, and he said yes. Please. Half an hour, Jonas answered and Isak hurried up on his feet. He had to sit back down immediately because he was so lightheaded.

He managed to take a quick shower and change the sheet in all the beds. Just in case. He put an extra hoodie on. No makeup this time, he didn’t have the time, and when twenty five minutes had passed Jonas rang the doorbell. Isak had to walk past the kitchen to get to the door and he was happy to know the fridge was empty. No temptations.

Isak opened the door and Jonas glanced at him from under his brow. He was looking at his phone and barely acknowledged Isak as he stepped inside. Isak closed the door. The very second it closed Jonas grabbed his shoulder and shoved his back against it. The door handle really hurt when it hit him.

Jonas was still looking at his phone.

“You’ve been a real bitch lately.”

Isak tried to step toward him but he leaned on his hand. Pinned him down. Why did it turn him on so much? Maybe it was just the euphoria of lightness he was feeling in general.

“I have?” Isak whispered. Jonas grabbed his chin. He still didn’t look at him, just at his phone, and that dismissal hurt more than the manhandling.

“Yes. Snappy. Grumpy. Not really around. You have been a shitty friend and the guys have noticed it. They’ve been asking me what’s wrong with you. What should I tell them, Isak?”

Isak sucked on his lip. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell Jonas how hard he had worked, to show him his diminished body, to make him see how devoted he was.

“I’ve been hungry”, Isak said, defeated. It felt almost shameful to say it out loud. He had been hungry. He had fought it, but yet he had felt it, and that was pathetic.

Finally Jonas looked up at him. He looked at Isak’s face, with no makeup to conceal anything. His fingers moved slightly, feeling up his jawline, how much sharper it had become. He saw the collar under his hoodie and he frowned, realizing just now that Isak had worn outfits like that for a while now.

“It’s not that cold.”

Isak shook his head. It was not. He was always cold these days, but he didn’t need all these clothes.

“I wanted you to be the first one to see”, he said. He looked at Jonas, pleadingly. Please, please Jonas, he just wanted to be seen. By his best friend and his something similar to a crush but not near that innocent. Butterflies fluttered around in Isak’s empty stomach while he waited.

Jonas let go of him slowly.

“Show me.”

It felt almost like a religious experience. A ritual. A service. Jonas stepped a bit back and put his phone away. He watched carefully as Isak pulled his hoodie over his head. His eyes followed Isak’s hands when he pulled the belt buckle out of the hole and tightened it into the next one. Isak saw he was breathing very, very slowly. Focused. Isak could feel his gaze on his skin as he pulled the hem of his pullover up, slowly, revealing his skinny waist and his not protruding but still visible ribs. His prominent collarbones. He dropped the pullover on the floor and let Jonas look at him. His bony shoulders that barely had their round shape left.

“Do you like it?” Isak whispered. Jonas waved his hand dismissively.

“Go on.”

Isak opened the buckle again. It clinged a bit since his hands were shaking. He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down, over his hip bones and along his skinny legs. He stepped out of them, wearing only his underwear, and he was painfully aware of his bulge. He was so turned on he could barely function. He slipped his thumbs under the rubber band but Jonas raised his hand.

“That’s enough.”

Isak let go. He lowered his hands by his sides, and just stood there. To be looked at. To be seen by Jonas. His nipples were erect, his dick so hard, his breathing slow and shallow. His ribs moved in its rhythm.

“Do you like it?” Isak whispered again. “I did it for you.”

Jonas didn’t say anything. He came closer. He reached out his hand and tried Isak’s ribs. He ran his fingers down along them and could feel a bump at each and every one of them. On both sides, up and then down. His index finger stirred the air inside the cavity Isak’s collar bone made. His lips brushed at the sharp angle of Isak’s jawline. His breath was so hot and wet.

“Bedroom.”

Isak’s knees felt weak. He forced his body to move. Jonas was a big help with that, he grabbed his wrist and pulled him with him. Isak followed him to his parent’s bedroom. They had been there often, him and Jonas, just laying on the big bed and talking and playing with their phones, and all his life he had never imagined that something like this would happen there.

That was a lie. He had changed the sheets.

Jonas pushed him down on the bed. Harder than he needed to. There was something in his movements, something he held back, and Isak wanted to set it free. He looked up at Jonas.

“Jonas. Let me have it. I can take it.”

Jonas looked at him. He looked hungry. His fingers twitched. Isak spread his body out for him, on display, for taking.

“Please. It’s yours.”

Jonas started to move. He undressed. In the light of day. Isak could watch him, see him, his muscles, his skin. He left his boxers on but Isak could see the outline of his dick through them, hard and ready. Jonas laid down on his side on the bed next to Isak, leaning on his elbow.

Isak got goosebumps when Jonas touched him. He ran his hand along Isak’s chest and stomach. His palm was smooth and warm. But it was holding back. Isak looked at Jonas and reached up. He brushed his dark eyebrow with his fingertip.

“Jonas. Please. Don’t hold it back. I’m your best friend and I know it when you’re hiding something.”

Jonas stopped moving. He looked at Isak. Isak looked at him. They stayed like that for a long time, just looking and waiting and considering.

Isak gasped when Jonas kissed him. He couldn’t stop himself, he wrapped his arm and leg around him like a vine and pulled him closer. He opened his lips and let Jonas in. His tongue, his kiss, Isak surrendered to them.

This felt different than before. Perhaps Isak was just so lightheaded. So light. Maybe he was still high on the second to last pill. Whatever the reason was, this kiss was so much more than the ones before. It was thirsty. Isak wanted it so much. He wanted this. He wanted to make Jonas come and now, while kissed like this, he felt that maybe Jonas would make him come too.

Jonas felt so good. He was so warm. Isak curled closer and tighter against Jonas. Half of him was constantly scared that Jonas might push him away. The other half kind of wanted him to. That was how he and Jonas had sex, wasn’t it?

They kissed for so long. Isak’s lips were swollen and numb when they stopped. Jonas kept his face close to his, looked him in the eye and just shared his breathing with him. He looked weird. He looked scared.

“What is it?” Isak whispered.

“You’re disgusting.”

Jonas didn’t sound like he really meant it. It was more like him telling it to himself, not to Isak. It still hurt. He had worked so much. Tried so hard.

“Jonas I love you. I love you. I won’t tell anyone. You’re safe here.”

Isak stroked his friend’s face while whispering to him. Encouraging him. Please, Jonas, please. Nobody will ever know.

Finally Jonas nodded. Slowly. He touched Isak again. His chest, his ribs, his stomach. The tips of his hip bones. The edge of the rubber band of his underwear. Isak was shaking again. He was giving himself to Jonas, once again, and Jonas accepting his offer felt better than anything.

As Jonas slid his hand over his bulge that feeling fell in second place. Isak moaned softly. His held his hips in place with all his willpower. He didn’t want to scare Jonas away now that he had finally touched him like this. His dick. For the first time. Isak was so grateful to WIlliam for doing this with him earlier, so now he didn’t have all that first time angst to worry about. He could guide them through this.

“Can I touch yours?” Isak asked. Jonas nodded. He turned his hips a bit and raised his thigh out of the way so Isak could slip his hand between his legs. When he felt the hard hot bulge he moaned again. Fuck. It was so hot. It felt so sexy. Isak’s body, the result of his effort, had made Jonas this hard.

Jonas had kind of forgotten to move his hand. It just rested on Isak’s dick, it’s weight warm and pleasant, as Isak ran his finger along the bulge between his legs. He wanted this so, so much. He needed this. He tugged at the boxers lightly, to pull them lower, and then Jonas grabbed his wrist.

“Stop that. Nasty slut.”

There was no power in Jonas’ words. His heart was not in them. Isak looked at his face and saw the conflict, the heat and the desperation and the fear. He had just the thing.

“Wait here. Please.”

Isak slipped out of the bed. He walked to his jeans and took the tin from the pocket. Isak returned with it to the bedroom and Jonas still on the bed. Jonas watched him open the box and take the pill out.

“What’s that?”

“Peace of mind. Pleasure. A..break.” Isak put the pill between his teeth and bit it in half. He swallowed his half and crawled on the bed, over Jonas. Jonas laid between his legs and arms, under him, he looked up and licked his lips nervously. Isak waited until he nodded. He lowered himself down and kissed Jonas, pushing the pill into his mouth in that kiss.

The kiss lingered for a while. When it was over Isak rested his body on Jonas, his head on his shoulder, and waited. It felt so good, just to be close to his best friend, waiting for the pill to kick in. When it did he felt Jonas relax. Isak smiled against his collarbone.

“Better now?” Isak whispered. His fingers played with the black curls at the back of Jonas’ neck. Jonas nodded.

“Fuck me”, Jonas said quietly. Isak paused. What?

“What?”

“Please.” Jonas sounded hoarse. Hasty. He was doing a bad thing and wanted to get it over with before getting caught. He pushed his hand between their bodies and grabbed Isak’s bulge. “Please.”

Isak’s breath got caught in the back of his throat. Jonas moved his hand a bit, rubbing his dick with enthusiasm that had been held back for a long time and finally set free. Isak couldn’t move. He was too horny to move.

“Please?”

“Oh--okay.”

Jonas let go of his dick reluctantly as Isak told him he had to go get lube from his room. Isak kissed him and hurried up. His heart was racing. His head was floating. His dick was throbbing. He would get to fuck Jonas. He remembered how William had looked under him and Jonas -- he would be so much better.

Isak almost ran back with the lube. He had to return before Jonas changed his mind or this wouldn’t happen, and Isak really wanted this to happen. And Jonas needed this to happen.

Jonas was naked when Isak got back to the bedroom. He stopped at the door to look at him. He was so hot. Masculine. Isak was a skinny bitch himself but Jonas was all man. If he’d embrace Isak he’d disappear into that embrace completely. That thought felt lovely.

“Come here”, Jonas said and stretched his arm out. Isak walked to him. Jonas grabbed his underwear and pulled it down. He looked at Isak’s hard dick, up close, curious and interested. It was probably the first one he had seen this close. Isak’s legs felt wobbly and he was happy to crawl back into bed.

Jonas kissed him. Isak pressed his naked body against him, their dicks against each other, grinding. They were both gasping and shivering, panting against their lips and mouths. Isak rolled on his back and pulled Jonas on top of him. He just wanted to disappear, just for a second, please. But Jonas didn’t have it. He turned back on his side and pulled out of the kiss. He shook his head. Isak swallowed his disappointment and nodded. Okay.

Isak guided Jonas on his back and took the lube.

“Relax. If it hurts too much tell me to stop.”

Jonas nodded. He spread his legs for Isak. How many times had Isak done the same in his twisted fantasies? How many times had he envisioned Jonas towering above him, telling him to spread them like a bitch and he had obeyed, half scared and half horny out of his mind? So many. But Jonas didn’t want that. He wanted to serve Jonas.

Isak spread the cheeks with his thumb and guided his index finger to the hole. He rubbed on it lightly, teasing it, warming it up, and as he felt it open up slowly like a rose he pressed harder. They both gasped when his finger slipped inside. Isak kept his eyes on Jonas’ face and pushed further, slowly, touching and rubbing him from where he couldn’t reach in any other way.

Jonas was ready for another finger surprisingly soon. This was not the first time he had something inside him. Isak didn’t know what it had been, probably his own fingers, but he was fairly certain he hadn’t been with a guy before. Isak was so happy he had. Thank you, William, thank you so much. Isak pushed two lubed up fingers into his best friend and his low grunting moan made his dick twitch and drip.

“Just there..fuck!” Jonas moaned. Isak took the hint. He stayed just there, while spreading his fingers bit by bit. He pressed and rubbed just there, where Jonas wanted him to, he was it made Jonas pant and push his head back, his eyes closed, focused somewhere inside. The spot Isak had found only by himself, still untouched by anyone else.

“I think you’re ready now”, Isak whispered after fingering Jonas with three fingers for a while. When he pulled them out of him his hole was left open and empty. Isak saw it pulsate. Jonas was ready. He was ready. So, so fucking ready. He had to hunt down the lube but he found it. He looked at Jonas when he lubed up. Jonas was looking at his dick. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it.

“Get on your hands and knees. I’m not experienced.” William had taken care of everything, and Isak hadn’t had any other guys yet. But he had a hunch that doing it doggy style would be easiest for him. At least Jonas wouldn’t see him screw up if he did. Jonas didn’t seem too happy about the position but he turned over anyway. Isak made sure to gasp at the sight, at his ass all open for him in front of him.

Isak pressed his tip against that hole. Jonas was holding his breath. Isak stroked on his lower back.

“Breathe. You can’t relax if you’re not breathing, and if you don’t relax I can’t get it in.”

Jonas was shaking again. Isak waited. He just stayed there, stroking him, waiting for him to relax.

“If you don’t want to do this it’s --”

Jonas interrupted him by pushing back. Isak slipped inside him and stopped believing in things like speaking. Like it was erased from his mind, all the words and how they worked. All he could fit in his brain was how tight Jonas was squeezing him, and the sounds he was making as Isak pushed slowly deeper. They were so low. Manly. They turned Isak on so much.

He pushed all the way in. His thighs touched Jonas’ thighs. He felt so powerful. In control. He hadn’t felt like that with William, not at all, William had held all the strings. Now Isak did. Jonas had surrendered to him, his body to Isak’s dick, and it felt odd. Isak was happy, he was horny, he was so into this but at the same time he was so fucking jealous.

“Fuck..fuck me.”

Isak did. He pulled back. Slowly. He pushed in, faster. Harder. By the time he had built up a rhythm with Jonas their thighs were slapping together like an applause. It cheered them on, faster, harder, within minutes it was over. Isak came inside Jonas. This time he actually felt it. It washed over him in a wave, it pushed his sperm out of him with his breath. Isak collapsed on the bed next to Jonas on his side, panting. He reached under Jonas’ belly and grabbed his dick.

“Give it to me”, Isak mumbled. He held Jonas still by his dick and crawled under him. He took it in his mouth and sucked on it, rubbed it with his tongue and worked it with his hand until Jonas filled his hungry mouth with his juices. Isak swallowed every drop carefully. It was his first meal today.

The afterglow with the pills was Isak’s favourite part. It enveloped him in warmth and comfort. He crawled out from under Jonas and helped him lie down as the little spoon against his body.

“It’s okay”, Isak whispered to his shaking friend. “Ride it out.”

Isak closed his eyes. He pressed his face in the black curls.

“Just ride it out.”


	10. Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: physical violence

Isak noticed he had fallen asleep when he woke up to Jonas stroking at the back of his neck. Jonas ran his fingers up and down along Isak’s skin, feeling out the shape and size of him. Isak couldn’t remember ever receiving a touch as gentle and accepting. He sighed softly and brushed his lips against Jonas’ warm strong chest.

The fingers stopped moving.

Jonas stopped breathing.

Isak was holding his breath too. He didn’t know why, but it felt like the appropriate response. He just kept on holding it even after Jonas had started breathing again. He held it until he saw black spots. His body had no control over him anymore, it wasn’t his. It belonged to Jonas now.

“You drugged me.”

Isak opened his eyes.

“What?” Isak could make no sound, he had no air in him for it. The black spots turned into bright shooting stars when Jonas’ fingernails sinking into his neck made him gasp.

“You fucking piece of shit little faggot cunt drugged me so you could rape me.”

Isak’s blood turned into sludge. His heart was beating fast and hard, panicked, but it was of no use. His blood was too thick and black for it to push forward. He had drugged Jonas and raped him? Was that really what had happened? Isak wasn’t too sure of the events, he had been so dizzy and his memory had been failing him more often than not lately. Jonas had asked him to fuck him but had it been before or after the pill? He didn’t know. He couldn’t remember.

“Jonas --”

Jonas squeezed harder. Isak could feel the black thick paste ooze out and trickle down his neck.

“Don’t you dare say my name ever again.”

Hot tears forced their way out of Isak’s eyes. Jonas was so angry. It made Isak upset that Jonas was in that much pain, whatever the reason. Isak had time to panic about what Jonas had actually said only after panicking about his tone.

“Please, you’re hurting me.”

Jonas twisted until Isak turned his face up and looked at him. His best friend’s eyes were cold and hard, but Isak knew them. He saw beneath the surface and he saw Jonas was holding something back again.

“Do it”, he whispered. “I love you. I’m yours.”

Jonas pressed his mouth on Isak’s. It wasn’t a kiss on any meter. Isak winced and whimpered when Jonas bit down so hard his teeth almost met. He more felt than tasted the blood flooding his mouth. It was warm and thick and his throat gulped it down greedily.

He grabbed Jonas and pulled him closer. Encouraged him. Challenged him. Jonas needed this. Jonas needed him and it was time for him to pay back his debt. Jonas showed him away so hard he fell out of the bed. He bumped his head on the night stand on his way down. When Isak tried his temple with his fingers it felt wet and sticky. His ears were ringing.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t hear Jonas get up. But he felt it, he felt something hit between his ribs. A blunt thud. He could feel his ribs almost give in and snap.

_ Yes. Yes, Jonas, it’s yours. If this helps. Whatever helps. _

Jonas kicked him again. Harder. He couldn’t go as hard as he might have liked to because he was barefoot. Isak laid there and took it. His instincts screamed at him to curl up and protect his organs, to wrap his arms around his head to make a shield. Isak scoffed internally to all that. No, oh no, his body was not the boss of him.

Jonas kicked him until he ran out of gas. Isak had started crying at some point. As Jonas collapsed sitting down on the edge of the bed Isak was laying at his feet, trembling. Breathing felt weird. He didn’t care. Jonas pushed Isak’s shoulder and rolled him over on his back.

He looked scared. For the briefest moment he was horrified. Then he got up on his feet and started getting dressed. By the time he was fully clothed he had gathered himself again. He spat on the floor at Isak’s feet.

“I mean it, faggot. Never speak to me again. Or Mags, or Mahdi. If you speak to them as much as a fucking hello I will tell them what you did to me. Twice.”

Isak nodded. He had no choice. He didn’t care. All he could care about was that Jonas started crying. He had made Jonas cry.

“I’m sorry”, Isak tried to say. It came out muffled, and with his words a splash of blood exited his mouth. It landed on the carpet. Isak had no idea how he would get it out before his parents returned home.

“Fuck you, Isak! You’re my best friend and you fucked everything up. I needed you, man!”

“Please --”

“Never show your face to me again.”

Jonas left. He rushed out the door and out of the house, leaving Isak on the bedroom floor. Isak tried to sob, but something inside him really didn’t want to move like that. So he just closed his eyes and laid his head down on the floor.

Isak was a weak fuck. He had been prepared to die on that floor, as a sacrifice for Jonas, but he had chickened out. He had crawled, slowly and painfully, to his phone. Now he was dragging himself up on his feet and to the door to answer it.

William had someone else with him. Isak had not expected that. He stood there, by the door, still naked, in front of a guy he had never seen in his life. It didn’t really feel like anything. Isak was numb.

“Fuck”, the tall stranger exhaled and crushed his cigarette under his shoe. “You were right, this is not a one man job.”

“Told you”, William said and pushed inside past Isak. The other guy followed him. They guided Isak to sit down by the dining table and William ventured out to examine the damages. The other guy wet a paper towel and handed it over to Isak.

“Your face”, he said, making a circle with his finger around his own face. “Are you injured? Do you need a doctor?”

Isak struggled to breathe again. It felt wrong. It wasn’t going as it was supposed to.

“No”, he managed to whisper. No doctors. He didn’t want to answer any questions.

“Bullshit”, William said as he re-entered the kitchen. “I’m taking you to our family doctor. That guy’s real discreet, don’t worry. I’m also ordering my clean up crew to take care of things here. Have you packed?”

Isak shook his head. He hadn’t. He had nothing to pack.

“I just need my phone and some clothes but I couldn’t.” Speaking was a struggle. William rolled his eyes and shooed the other guy to Isak’s room to pack his clothes in a plastic bag.

“Come on”, William said and helped Isak up on his feet. “Let’s get you dressed now.”

No matter how much Isak begged William didn’t give him any pills. He dragged Isak into his car and got behind the wheel. The other guy took the front seat, Isak laid down across the back seat and closed his eyes. When he opened them again they were at the doctor’s office. Isak was too tired to struggle anymore, he just let the guys take him to the reception. The doctor asked him nothing about the origins of his injuries. Or about his weight. He shook William’s hand as they left.

A broken shoulder blade. Breathing would hurt for quite a while, but it would pass on its own. He’d have a sling for a couple of weeks and he’d be good as new. He had gotten a prescription for painkillers, and William had said he would take care of that. Isak traveled lying down again to the house where he had met William for the first time. The Penetrator Party house.

“Thank you”, Isak mumbled when William helped him lie down on the bed in a room that had no other furniture in it. “I’ll repay you somehow.”

William smiled.

“Don’t mention it, kitten. We’ll figure something out when you’ve rested.”

It felt warm inside Isak’s belly. When William called him kitten. It was how he said it. The flash in his eyes. Isak knew what he meant. He might have been inexperienced but he wasn’t an idiot. A splash of cold dread got mixed in with the warmth. Isak closed his eyes.

“Yes. I’m sure we will.”


	11. Beer

At some point Isak realized it had been at least a week since he had last seen the sun. The thought passed his mind briefly, drifting slowly past him, so he could see it but not really grasp it. He was on his back on a bed in a room with no windows, he was naked and pretty out of it. He wasn’t sure what time it was. He wasn’t sure what day it was.

He had no idea when he had eaten last.

Other than pills and cum, that is.

He should probably do something about that.

Isak stretched his arms and his back a bit. He wasn’t feeling too hot. That was probably the lack of eating, and the excess of pills. His head felt so, so heavy, but he raised it. Just a bit. He looked down on his body and saw how little of it there was, and he smiled.

It took him a while, but Isak managed to get out of the bed. He had to sit back down a couple of times when he started to see black spots and then dark purple blobs, but the third time he managed to get up slow enough to stay upright. He leaned his hands on the wall and dragged himself to the door. He didn’t bother getting dressed, based on his calculations there wasn’t anyone in this house who hadn’t seen him naked yet.

Plus he didn’t like the idea of bending over to pick up his underwear from the floor and putting it on. He really should eat something before trying anything that athletic.

Isak reached the door. He paused there, for a bit, to compose himself. He wasn’t quite sure if he felt his hands and feet at all times, but they seemed to obey his commands well enough. Isak laid his hand on the handle, took a deep breath and pressed it down. He wasn’t sure why he was a bit surprised to find the door unlocked. He wasn’t a prisoner, he had just been -- preoccupied. Lately.

The hallway was empty. Isak listened carefully, but the familiar, never silencing thumping of the bass was gone. It was like the morning after the longest party ever. The air was bleak and weary, as was the light. There was a window at the end of the hallway and Isak could see it was either day, morning or evening. The sun was still up.

Isak crept forward, still holding the wall for support. In this cold light he looked like shit. He saw his reflection vaguely on the glasses of the framed pictures on the wall. He looked like a skeleton. His collarbones, elbows, shoulders and shoulder blades, his ribs, they were all prominent and pretty. He had gotten rid of his sling by now. Breathing still hurt but the pills really helped with that.

Fuck, they helped with everything.

He would eat an apple or something, and then he’d try and find William and blow him for a couple of pills. That was their arrangement, and it was one that worked for Isak pretty well. He had a place to stay, a steady supply of his chemical absolution and all it cost him was a strained jaw. Not a bad deal at all.

Isak passed a couple of closed doors. Then he met a doorway with no door. A kitchen, he noted, nodding to himself. He had reached his goal for now. Isak dragged his bony ass to the chair by the table and sat down to take a breather. The purple blobs formed a greenish hue.

He looked around in the kitchen. He saw the fridge and decided to start there. It was stacked full of cans of beer. That was like liquid bread, right? Isak took a can and cracked it open. A long swig pulled up a huge burp from his empty stomach.

“Impressive”, someone said behind Isak’s back. Isak spun around so quickly the blobs turned into a wall of black. He dropped the beer to the kitchen floor and managed to stay somewhat upright only by grabbing the sink. The smell of beer made him nauseous.

The guy who had startled him grabbed his forearm. His hold turned into feeling around near immediately. Isak knew when his body was being measured. He pulled himself free and forced his eyelids open.

It was the guy who had come with William to help him after Jonas had kicked the shit out of him. He didn’t seem pleased.

“Have you been here all this time?”

Isak shrugged. He had no idea what  _ all this time _ meant. He was not certain at all about how long he had been here.

“Wait a fucking minute. Are you. Are you the pretty kitten behind door number three William boasted about?”

Isak shrugged again. He couldn’t tell who William might have meant. He was standing naked in a kitchen, in a puddle of beer, and he was too tired and hungry to care. The guy grabbed his shoulder. Isak felt how bony it was in that grip, and he felt proud. Maybe Jonas would like him again?

“Doesn’t he fucking feed you?”

Isak was starting to feel a bit pissed off. He wanted a beer and a pill, not a fucking third degree.

“I’m fine, thank you. Leave me alone.”

“I did for a month. It doesn’t seem to have gone too well.”

A month. Okay, now Isak had a timeline, at least somewhat. He had been here for a month. He wondered if the guys missed him. If Jonas had texted him. Where the fuck was his phone? Probably in his pocket, with his pants, wherever they were, with a dead battery. He wasn’t held here against his will. He didn’t need a saviour.

“Where are the rags?”

“Excuse me?”

“The cleaning rags”, Isak elaborated. “The beer must be bad for the floor.”

“I don’t know, under the sink? Where the fuck is William?”

The guy stormed off, screaming William’s name, before Isak had time to tell him he had no idea. Isak sighed and peeked in the cabinet under the sink. Ah, yes, rags. Isak took a couple of them and got on his knees on the floor. He had a mess to take care of.

The racket started to approach the kitchen again. The guy was yelling at William, who was denying everything and asking for the dude to shut up already or at least tone it down. Isak wasn’t done cleaning up when the two of them appeared in the kitchen. He decided it was best to just finish the job and let them fight each other. He had learned that at home. Don’t meddle. Stay invisible. Focus on your own thing. Isak wiped the beer with the rag and squeezed it dry over the sink. Repeat. Repeat.

Isak noticed something was off about a minute after the silence began. He raised his eyes to look at the two young men towering above him. William. Pills. Isak scooted closer, on his knees on the floor, his eyes fixed on William’s zipper. He needed a fix, and he knew how to get it.

“See? This is fucking  _ wrong. _ You’re such an asshole! God, what a dick!” The other guy kept smacking William’s upper arm. “Look at him! YOU let it happen, in your fucking house!”

Isak was getting really irritated. He licked his lips quickly, frowning. He wanted to get his pills and this guy was delaying the process. The floor felt slippery under Isak’s knees as he crept closer. He was dragging the beer with him. Its smell filled his head and made it swim. He raised his shaky hands to William’s fly, but the other guy slapped them off.

“Look what you’ve fucking done!”

Isak didn’t understand what the guy was fuming about. He was here of his own free will. He was not forced into anything, and at times he managed to even enjoy himself.

“Isak. Kitten. Look at me.” William spoke calmly. Isak looked up at him. “Am I mistreating you somehow?”

Isak shook his head.

“Why are you so skinny?”

Isak frowned. He wasn’t sure how to answer that question. He sensed he was being judged. He had learned also that at home.

“I’m not that skinny.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Chris. The kitten’s here of his own free will, and as far as I know he’s an adult.”

“I am”, Isak said. He was an adult, and he had no idea why he was still having this conversation. It felt like the smell of beer was seeping into his skin, through his pores, sticking to him. Staining him. Isak closed his eyes, just for a second.

When he came to he was in the backseat of a car. It was moving. He had his clothes on and a blanket pulled over him, and his upper back was really starting to hurt. He needed a pill.

“William?”

“No”, the guy said. “Just me. Chris.”

Isak panicked immediately. He sat up, looked around, and he didn’t know where he was.

“You kidnapped me!”

“What? I did not! I’m taking you to a doctor.”

Isak had to lie back down before he threw up. His throat felt like he had done so already, recently.

“Why? I don’t need a doctor.”

“Uh-huh. It’s not alarming at all that you pass out and almost choke on your own vomit after taking one sip of beer. Business as usual.”

Isak touched his throat. He closed his eyes. He was too tired to keep arguing.

“I’m okay. I just need a fix.”

“Yeah, not happening. Hang on, we’re almost there.”

“I. Need. A fix.”

“If you’re having actual withdrawal symptoms you have eaten way too many of those pills already. It’s time to put an end to that.”

“Let me out of this car. Right now.” Isak searched his pockets and found his phone. But the screen stayed black. The battery was dead. “Or else I’ll jump out.”

Chris slammed the brakes. Isak almost tumbled to the floor. His phone disappeared somewhere under the driver’s seat.

“Fine”, Chris said. “Here’s what we’ll do. You have five minutes to get up and on your feet without falling. If you do that, I’ll drive you anywhere you ask me to. If you won’t make it, I’m taking you to the doctor.”

Isak didn’t want to. But he knew, deep down inside he knew that Chris was right. He didn’t know what it was, but there was something wrong with him and he needed to see a doctor. In a way he had no options, right? He wasn’t quitting, he was being kidnapped. Isak closed his eyes and tried to connect his brain to his limbs. It didn’t go too well. Four minutes later Isak sighed and laid back down.

“Just shut up and drive.”

Chris hummed and started the engine. They didn’t speak for the rest of the ride. When they got to the doctor’s office Isak hated himself for it, but he needed Chris’ help to walk up the stairs in a reasonable time. The doctor was the same one who had checked him after Jonas had beaten him up, and like that time, no tough questions were asked. Chris paid in advance, in cash, and waited outside the examination room.

Isak wobbled out squeezing a packet of mild sedatives to help him sleep and a printed out diet for him to follow. The doctor had weighed him and that number had been much lower than Isak had expected it to be. Too low. He was told about all the damage he was doing to his body by starving it and it had sounded really scary. All he had wanted was to be pretty for Jonas. But now Jonas was gone. Isak had screwed up, again, and he was scared to go back to William’s house because he knew that he would die in there. He knew William would let that happen, even to his pretty kitten.

Where else could he go? Not home. Not to Jonas. Isak looked up at Chris, his lips quivering.

“I need help.”

Chris nodded.

“Now we’ll get you something to eat and then you will come home with me to sleep. Okay?”

Isak hesitated. But he had nowhere else to go, and he was so hungry, and so scared. So when Chris wrapped his arm around his bony shoulders Isak let him walk him back to the car. He had to admit he was a bit worried. He had no idea if he could trust Chris. Chris could be the last person he was ever seen with, and then he would just disappear forever.

An alarmingly big part of him was kind of pleased with that thought. He was too tired to fight it. So, when Chris opened the passenger side door Isak got into his car. It wasn’t in his hands anymore. And maybe the sedative the doctor had asked him to take was finally kicking in, but it felt really good to let go.


	12. Banana

Isak nibbled at the banana he had agreed to eat for his breakfast. He couldn’t eat much at once, it made him sick. Chris kept him at bay by regulating his pills. Fucker. But it did feel kind of nice for a change, to not be completely groggy and numb all the time.

When it didn’t feel fucking terrible, that was.

Isak was sitting on the window sill, his leg bent, knee against the glass. His phone was resting on his knee, and he was ignoring it really hard. He kept his focus on his banana, in the almost sickening sweet taste that stuck to his palate and tongue. But a deal was a deal, and he was hungry, and he would not be defeated by a fucking banana.

The distraction didn’t last forever. Half an hour later the banana was gone, and Isak tossed the peels on the counter. He would put them in the bio trash soon. He had something to take care of first. The onyx screen in front of him was mocking him, beckoning, taunting. Daring him to turn his phone on after over a month of silence.

Chris had promised him an extra pill if he did it. And a blowjob, thrown in as a bonus. That truly was an offer worth considering, and Isak had, all morning. He took a deep breath. He flicked the switch on the side to turn the phone on mute. That would keep all the notifications from popping up as well. Isak was really not in the mood for a bombardment of those.

He turned his phone on. He stared at the screen, waiting for it to come alive. The pill Chris had given him when he woke up was starting to wear off, and his focus was absurdly intense. Just what he needed right now, hyper focus on his emotions, full blast. Isak crossed his eyes, opened the messages and erased them all. Every single one he had sent or received. A clean slate. It almost hurt. There were so many memories. But he could not, absolutely not, see the million messages for Magnus begging and pleading for him to answer, or anything from his parents telling him to just come home again.

Isak had only one person he wanted to text.

_ I’m okay. I’m never going to bother you again. _

Isak paused. He considered.

_ I love you. I won’t tell anyone what happened, ever. I swear. Goodbye. _

He hit send. He turned his phone off, squeezed it against his aching chest and tried to cry but couldn’t.

Chris came home late in the afternoon. Isak walked to the door to meet him.

“Hey there, kitten”, Chris said. Isak had asked to be called that, and Chris honoured that request. “Did you send the message?”

Isak nodded. He clinged to Chris, wrapping his arms around him and rubbing his body against the man who had saved him.

“I did. Then I turned my phone off again, but I did send it.”

“Well done”, Chris approved. He stroked at Isak’s lower back gently. “I’ll be getting a visitor tonight. Can we put a rain check on that blowjob, maybe?”

Isak’s shoulders slumped. But Chris had made it clear to him from the beginning. Isak could stay here, and Chris would take care of him, and they could do sex stuff, but they were not dating, and especially not exclusive. Yet it stung, every time Isak wasn’t enough to keep Chris satisfied. For some reason Chris didn’t want to fuck him, no matter how many times Isak tried to tell him he wanted it. Chris didn’t think it was appropriate because he was still a virgin in that sense.

“Oh. Uh. Okay. Of course.”

“Thanks, kitten. You’re the best.” Chris gave Isak a quick kiss and then released himself from Isak’s grip. “Have you eaten?”

Isak shrugged. He had eaten, but probably not enough by Chris’ standards.

“I just ate a banana.”

Exactly as Isak had hoped, Chris believed he had eaten a banana recently, and something else before it - not that, like the truth was, he had eaten only that banana. Success. A part of Isak still kind of hoped that if Chris could see how disciplined he was, he might admire him at least a bit.

A bigger part of Isak hoped Jonas would still take him back.

He was really fucking pathetic, wasn’t he?

“You also promised me a pill”, Isak said quietly. He could really, really use one now. Or when Chris had his company over and Isak could hear Chris fuck them. He bit his tongue to keep his jealous bitching from forming into words.

Chris went to the bedroom and opened the locked cabinet. He took out a sheet with two pills left and gave it to Isak.

“I trust you will not eat them too close together.”

Isak nodded. He wouldn’t. He would take one now and one in the evening so he could sleep through the moans and banging. He would be good. Chris would like him more that way. Isak loved it when Chris called him a good kitten.

“I promise. I’ll take one now and one when I go to bed.”

Chris flashed him a smile that made something flutter in his belly.

“That’s a good kitten.”

Seriously, it felt like a warm bath after a cold day spent outside. Isak wanted more.

“What’s for dinner?”

It worked. Chris smiled again, delighted, and Isak basked in the light of it. Sometimes he wondered if Chris saw through him. How hard he tried sometimes, to be normal and healthy, not because of himself but because it made Chris tell him he’s a good kitten and smile at him like that. Chris probably knew. He wasn’t stupid, not one bit.

“I can order something. Chinese?”

“Noodles?”

“Shrimp?”

“Sounds great.”

Isak let Chris make the order. Meanwhile he pushed a pill out of the plastic and foil and rolled it around his palm with his thumb. Peace of mind. Good kitten. He sighed and looked up at Chris.

“Can I get a small plastic bag? I don’t want to lose my appetite.”

The shine in Chris’ eyes made Isak feel like purring.

After dinner Isak was getting nervous. His stomach felt so heavy. He was nauseated but not too badly, and definitely not so badly that he would  _ need _ to throw up. If he threw up it would be because he chose to, and he wasn’t ready for that kind of a decision just yet. It was much easier to just forget to eat, or to do just a hundred crunches or push-ups more. Losing track of time, getting carried away. Could happen to anyone.

He fondled at the little plastic baggie in his pocket. But not yet. He wanted to see who Chris had invited over. Who was better than him. This far the competition had been way, way out of Isak’s league, and he was certain that would be the case tonight, as well.

The doorbell rang. Chris went to get it. Isak curled up tighter inside his blanket on the couch when he heard the guest speak. Was it. It couldn’t be. The Penetrators never slept with each other, did they?

“Hey, Even”, Chris said. Isak covered his mouth to silence his squeak. Even. It was Even, the guy he had been crushing on so bad, from afar, for months, and now he was here. With Chris. Really?

Even and Chris stumbled into the living room, locked in a passionate kiss. Even was wearing his Penetrator hoodie again, the hood on his head, but Isak knew it was him. Nobody else was that..long. Even was a long boy, and that really, really turned Isak on. And now, here Even was, his tongue deep in Chris’ throat. Isak could just stare at them, trying to handle his disappointment and panic, and then Even turned his back on him.

_ CHRIS _

No. Oh, no, no. No.

He should have been relieved that Even wasn’t a Penetrator after all, but that wasn’t much of a solace right now. Even walked around Oslo with Chris’ name on his back. Claimed.

The keys fell to the floor from the side table as Even and Chris knocked against it. The clinging and rattling made them snap out of the kiss, and Chris had time to remember his good kitten. He looked at Isak and nudged at Even’s arm.

“Evy, this is Isak.”

_ NO. _

Even turned around and looked directly at Isak. At the pale, nauseated, Isak with no make-up to cover his paleness or the dark circles under his eyes. Isak huddled up under an ugly blanket, the body he had worked so hard on completely hidden from sight. Isak almost died.

“Oh, hello”, Even said and nodded. “I’m Even. Nice to meet you.”

Even sounded weird. He sounded drunk, but he didn’t smell like it. Isak was a bit jealous of whatever pills Even had been popping, he wanted some too.

“Nice to meet you too”, he mumbled. He could always hope Even would be too out of it to remember him in the morning.

Even kept looking at him. Isak knew that look. He was wondering what the blanket hid. So, Isak dropped it on the floor and stood up. He stretched, too, to reveal a patch of skin around his waist, and he saw how Even stared at it.

“I should let you two get back to it”, Isak said. “Please don’t let me disturb you.”

“Nah, it’s cool”, Even said. He kept looking at Isak. “Hey, I know this sounds weird, but I’d love to film you. You look almost out of this world.”

Isak laughed, surprised but not taken aback.

“Excuse me?”

Even waved his arms in the air, drawing a frame or something. Isak wasn’t quite sure what it was supposed to be, but Even was being really enthusiastic about it.

“You would look great on film. Especially with correct lighting. Can I film you?”

“Uhhhhhh. You want to film me fucking or something?”

Even stepped back. He looked almost hurt.

“What! No! I’m an artist, not some sleazy fuck!”

Chris stepped up. Thank god.

“Even is into that kind of shit. Art films, you know, black and white, no talking, that kind of stuff.”

Isak nodded. Okay. He got it now. He just didn’t know how to respond.

“Okay. Sure, I guess? Now?”

“Now he’s busy”, Chris stated. Even laughed. He had a lovely laugh, it was so deep and big and loud. Uninhibited.

“Yes, yes. I’ve made other arrangements. But fuck, your body..I’d love to see it without clothes on.”

Isak couldn’t even blush. He was too. Much. He didn’t even think about it, he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. Chris followed the development with keen interest. So did Even.

“If Isak’s cool with it I’m too”, Chris stated. “You can look at him while I’m pounding you.”

Even grinned. But there was something really, really familiar to Isak in that grin. He could taste it in his own mouth, and it tasted bitter. Like pills melting on the tongue.

“Sounds like a party to me”, Even said.

Isak started to unbutton his jeans.


	13. Hoodie

Isak couldn’t keep his eyes off Even. He was so beautiful. There was this certain danger about him, a self destruction, that called Isak and pulled him closer. Even was spiraling, Isak could tell, from fucking experience, but that only enhanced his allure. Isak wanted to crash and burn with him.

Isak stepped out of his jeans and underwear. Even saw him naked, for the first time, and he was already sporting a semi. Luckily Even didn’t seem to mind. Quite the contrary. Isak did a little twirl too, pushing his shoulder blades closer together as he had his back turned to Even. Showing off. He was pretty, wasn’t he? Carved from decay and despair.

Chris got tired of waiting. He grabbed Even’s hoodie and yanked it off him. Even got the hint and turned to kiss Chris again. They were so hot, kissing like that, Even bent down and Chris turning his face up, yet in charge of that kiss. In charge of Even. Isak got slowly full on hard, watching Chris kiss and undress Even in front of him.

Even was lovely naked, as well. He was so tall he looked skinnier than he was. His torso was covered in bruises in various stages of healing. Isak recognised their shape. Fingerprints.

Isak’s heart sank a bit. Even would not fuck him. He might let Isak fuck him, but he was so clearly a bottom. But maybe..he would let Isak ride him? Perhaps? Isak gasped quietly at that thought, at the image in his head, of Even under him like he had been under William on the first time in his life that he had proper sex.

Even heard the gasp. He broke the kiss and turned to look at Isak over his shoulder, grinning. He didn’t seem quite as happy as he looked. Isak pushed that thought aside for now, he didn’t have time for it.

“Like what you see?”

Isak nodded.

“Yes.” Isak popped his hip, tilted his head, parted his lips and pressed his chin a bit. “How about you?”

“Oh, fuck yes, doll.”

Yes.

_ Thank you. _

Doll. Isak would be their doll. That felt like a position he would be comfortable with, and might find even some pleasure in. This tainted, failing body could be a plaything for Even and Chris.

Isak stepped just a bit closer. He nibbled at his bottom lip and picked the hoodie up from the floor. He handed it over to Even.

“Could you put this back on? You look amazing with a hood on your head.”

It felt almost like blasphemy. Asking for something, just for himself, for his own selfish pleasures. But Even smiled upon him. He took the hoodie and slipped it on. The hood framed his face and in the shade his eyes looked almost piercing.

“How’s this?” Even asked. He was watching Isak intensely, with keen interest, and Isak felt so naked right now. Well, he was naked, but still, it felt different now. Even saw him, like Jonas had seen him on the day they broke up.

“Good”, Isak said, barely whispering. He grabbed his own elbow, hesitating. “To return the favor..my body is dedicated to you tonight. Just tell me how you’d like it and I will give it to you.”

“Well”, Chris said, slipping his hand under Even’s hoodie, “I for one would love to give something to this beautiful man as well. Shall we?”

Oh, right. Chris was still here. Isak blushed, not knowing why. But he nodded, and as Chris led Even in the bedroom Isak followed them. Isak stood by the foot of the bed, waiting for instructions. Chris was in charge of the situation again, asking Even to get on the bed on his hands and knees, facing Isak.

Even did as he was asked. He looked incredible there, leaning on his hands, the hood on his head, his eyes dark and distant like small stars. His beautiful long back arched a bit, so that his lovely ass was perked up for Chris.

“Straight on?” Chris asked. Even rocked his hips, humming.

“Do me hard, frat boy.”

Chris slapped Even’s ass. Not hard, but still a bit sharp.

“Behave or I’ll just kick you out.”

“Ooooh, put me in my place, daddy.”

They both laughed.

Isak could barely breathe. He was wound up so tight right now. Quivering. Waiting. He watched Chris stroke Even’s lower back. Then Chris opened his jeans and took something from his pocket. A small packet.

Isak realized this was the first time he had ever seen anyone use a condom.

He should have probably been worried about that. He wasn’t. He didn’t care.

Chris rolled the condom in its place and popped the cap of the lube. The smell made Isak’s mouth water. Chris didn’t fuck him, so they didn’t need lube, and Isak really, really missed it. The closeness. The feeling of thighs slapping together in a growing heat, driven by a primal instinct. He was so, so jealous right now, at both of the men on the bed. Even for getting fucked, and Chris for being with Even.

Chris lubed up a finger and pushed it inside. Even drew a sharp, hissy breath between his teeth. Chris chuckled, surprised.

“Sorry. I expected you’d be more relaxed by now.”

“Stop slut shaming me, asshole”, Even laughed. “Just go a bit easier first, okay?”

“That’s not the frat boy way, you know.”

“Tell me, Chris, how much does it turn you on to see your name on my back right now?”

Chris laughed again. It seemed foreign to Isak. That sex could be something that was this..light? Chris was fingering Even as they were joking and connecting, friendly, not desperate or downright hostile. It seemed really nice. But they were forgetting about him, and if Isak was something, he was desperate.

“Is there something you’d like me to do?” Isak asked. Even focused his attention on him again, and a splash of warmth spread through him. Even saw him.

“Just stand there -- no, wait. Go turn that lamp on, please?”

Isak looked at the lamp by the wall. He walked to it and turned it on, then returned to his previous position. Even nodded.

“Fuck yes. That’s a good lighting.”

Isak nodded, a bit insecure. He had no input on things like lighting, he knew nothing about it.  He didn’t know much about anything, really. But he knew how to stand still and be looked at. And he had no complaints on the view he was getting, either.

Even moaned as Chris pushed two fingers at the time inside him. Isak stared at him, mouth half open, dick all hard. It looked incredible, Even was so tall he was folded like  intricate origami on the bed, and Chris still managed to look towering and commanding behind him. Isak couldn’t wait for Chris to start pounding on Even, hard. Frat boy style.

He didn’t need to wait long. Chris was impatient and Even was careless, and soon enough Chris spread the lube over his latex protected dick. Yes. Oh, ohhh yes. Isak was rocking his hips just a bit, barely moving, and licking his lips non stop by now. He really wanted to touch himself. He  _ needed _ to touch himself, but denying himself that pleasure felt much better than any jacking off ever could. He was letting Even see his discipline. Portraying it for Even. He loved it.

“Ohhhhhh fffffuck that’s so goooood”, Even moaned as Chris finally penetrated him. His eyes were closed, his full, pouty lips parted, his cheeks flushed. Isak was panting softly. His knees felt weak. His head was spinning. His dick was dripping.

_ Fuck him! _ Isak thought with all his might, trying to plant the thought into Chris’ mind.  _ Just fuck him hard, now! _

Chris grabbed Even’s hips, tight. His fingers matched the bruises beautifully. Oh, Even, you are a dirty slut, aren’t you? You love getting it hard, don’t you? All those dicks pounding into you, night after night after night, you love every single one of them.

Don’t you?

The bed was rocking in the rhythm of Chris and his thrusts. Even was moaning, at every single one of them, a short, delighted and a tad theatrical moan. He kept looking at Isak all the way through it, and Isak just did his best to look beautiful for him. He pulled his stomach in so far that his ribcage seemed like a replaceable part. He bent his arms to show off his joints. He pushed his shoulders forward to emphasize the nests over his collar bones.

Even seemed to like it a lot.

Isak couldn’t have been happier.

Chris reached his hand under Even’s stomach. Isak couldn’t see it because of the hoodie, but he heard it. He heard Chris jerking Even off, fast, beckoning him to come. And Even did. He came, and when he did, he was beautiful. Isak tried his best to etch that look on Even’s face into his memory so he could keep it there forever.

Even collapsed, panting. Chris pulled the hoodie off him and threw it on the floor.

“Leave us”, he told Isak, just before flipping Even over and pushing himself into Even again, suffocating Even’s moans with his own mouth. Isak hesitated for a second, then reached down and took the hoodie with him as he left the bedroom. He closed the door.

Isak put the hoodie on. It smelled like Even. After a little rustling Isak managed to turn the hoodie backwards. He curled up on the couch, pulled the hood over his face and inhaled in slow, deep breaths.


	14. Doll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some tags because of this chapter and how my plans for the story have formed. Please check them first.

Despite having popped both of the pills before finally dozing off to the sound of Even and Chris fucking, Isak woke up in the middle of the night. Someone touched his shoulder. It took him a couple of horror filled seconds to understand he hadn’t gone blind because of the pills, but that the hood was still over his face. He yanked it off and was completely unprepared for the sight in front of him.

It was Even. Topless. The lighting was weird enough for Isak to notice it, and as he glanced at the coffee table he saw that Even had placed a bottle of water over his phone’s flashlight to make a lantern. Neat trick, Isak thought, but then Even touched him again.

“You have my hoodie”, Even said, quietly. He was standing by the couch, in his jeans, and as Isak looked down he saw Even had his shoes on. He was leaving. In the middle of the night, while they were fast asleep.

Isak’s heart was thumping. It was commanding him like a war drum. Do not, under any circumstances, let this man leave, it boomed. Isak sat up slowly. He pulled the hoodie off and shoved it behind his back. Even was standing so near, and his crotch was directly in front of Isak’s face. Isak raised his shaking hand and placed it lightly against Even’s fly. Please. Stay.

Even touched Isak’s cheek. His fingers oozed down the cheek, to the chin, and turned it a bit, back and forth.

“You’re so fucking beautiful”, Even murmured.

“Like a doll?” Isak whispered back.

“Precisely.”

“Would you like to play?” Isak asked. “It’s okay.”

If someone had told Isak back then, months ago, that he would end up here, about a quarter or a third smaller, broken and desperate, in front of Even, he wouldn’t have believed it. He wouldn’t have wanted to believe it that he would have to suffer and strive so much to reach this goal. But all great things demanded effort, didn’t they?

Even bent down. It was a miracle, how his body moved and worked, Isak could have watched Even just move all day without getting one bit bored. He reminded Isak of rock stars, proper ones. Not the ones of today who did yoga and wheatgrass, but the ones who shot heroin in Berlin for weeks on end. The broken, beautiful ones.

Isak forget about everyone else, rock stars or not, the moment Even’s lips touched his. It was a hard kiss, Even was falling into it, and on Isak, and Isak received him willingly. He turned and leaned back on the couch, pulling Even, clinging on to him, dragging him down on top of him. Please. For the love of everything holy and good and out of reach,  _ please. _

Even arrived. He let Isak pull him over him on the couch, and Isak could finally, finally disappear under someone. Even was skinny but he was tall, and as he draped and folded his limbs over and around Isak he was at last contained. He was shaking, all over. Even pressed himself down on him, following the hint of Isak’s clinginess, and when he did so Isak felt it against his thigh. Even wasn’t hard yet, but he would soon be, and Isak couldn’t fucking wait.

“Could you fuck me? Please?” If Even told him that no, he wanted to be fucked by Isak, he would do it, of course he would. But Isak hoped so hard that Even would just do him. “Frat boy style.”

Even didn’t say no. He didn’t say yes, either. He just kissed Isak again, pressing down harder on his skin and bones with his whole body. Isak sank into the couch, drowned under Even, and he opened his mouth for Even’s tongue to enter.

Two thuds made Isak jump at first, but then he realized they were Even’s shoes. Even had kicked them off while kissing him, and then he wrapped his legs around and between Isak’s, in a lovely tangled mess. Even was a good kisser, if a little rushed, and his tongue forced its way deep into Isak’s mouth over and over again. Even was fucking him in the mouth with his tongue, Isak thought, and felt his own hard dick rub against the fly of Even’s jeans.

The contrast was obvious. The sex Chris had was very different to the sex Isak had. This was how he had it. Desperate. With a need so deep it ate through his flesh like acid. Isak managed to wrap his leg around Even’s hips and pulled them closer. Tighter. He rutted his own hips against Even, and the coarse rub of denim and buttons felt more good than uncomfortable. A little bit more. The crucial bit. Isak had taken two pills at once and all his senses had numbed down a bit, and that was a fucking shame, but at least it wouldn’t hurt. He had read that your first time always hurt.

Should he tell Even it was his first time?

If he did, Even might stop. Or he might not care, and if he didn’t care, it didn’t matter if Isak told him or not, right?

From the first time Isak had laid his eyes on Even he had wanted exactly this.

Well. Not  _ exactly. _ But not all boys got their first time in the white sheets of a beautiful hotel room, did they? This would be Isak’s, on the couch of a frat boy, his head filled with the background noise of the dull buzz of pills, under the man of his dreams.

God, Even’s mouth tasted so good.

“Lube and condoms”, Even murmured on Isak’s lips, trying to squirm free from Isak’s grip. “I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Isak let go, reluctantly. But he did need lube. He had tried his own fingers without, and it had not been pleasant at all, and spit had been way, way sub par as well. He laid there on the couch, panting softly, so hard it ached, waiting for Even to return. What if Chris woke up and stole him? Or told him not to do this?

Even returned. He closed the bedroom door quietly. So, Chris didn’t wake up. Good. Even got down on his knees on the couch and pulled Isak’s legs on his both sides. He guided Isak’s hips with his hands, and folded the hoodie under them to raise them a bit more than Isak could in this position. Even looked at him for a moment, in the lantern’s blotted light, and raised Isak’s leg slowly up on his shoulder.

“Is this okay?” Even asked. Isak wanted to tell him that everything was, that his body didn’t belong to him, hadn’t belonged in a while now. But he just nodded. It was okay. He was breathing more shallow now, nervous, wondering if Even could somehow feel his inexperience. When Even spread the lube on his fingers Isak held his breath.

It didn’t exactly hurt. It was the first time someone had ever put something inside Isak, beside himself and his own fingers. It felt completely different, and it made Isak whimper just because it was just so much. He covered his mouth so he wouldn’t wake Chris up. Even moved his hand slowly, his long, neverending finger pushed deeper inside him, until it couldn’t get any further. Isak was so fucking happy he could cry.

Even pulled his finger out, added some lube and pushed it in again. Isak was breathing through his nose, in short sharp draws. His thighs were shaking, and he could see the slight wobble and just really hoped Even wouldn’t notice it or be disgusted by it. He tried tensing up his muscles but that made him also clamp up around Even’s finger so he had to stop before Even thought Isak wanted him to.

On the third time Even used two fingers. It hurt a bit. Not too bad. Isak took it, willing and humble, he was Even’s doll and that was all he ever wanted to be. Even lubed his hole up really well, as far as his fingers could reach, and then pulled his hand back and wiped it on Isak’s sheets.

Isak looked down, between his trembling legs, at Even’s hands. They unfastened the fly of Even’s jeans and pulled them down with his underwear. Isak stared at Even’s dick, which looked now bigger than it had before. Now that Isak would get it inside him. The first time always hurt.

Even opened the small packet and rolled the condom over his dick. But it got caught or something and it tore. Even cussed.

“Fuck! It was the last one.”

Isak didn’t even blink.

“It’s okay.”

Even looked up at him. His hair was a mess, his eyes were dark.

“Huh?”

“I don’t mind.”

Even kept looking at him. Isak licked his lips quickly. He pulled his stomach in. Come on. Please. It doesn’t matter, does it?

Even took the lube and spread it on his dick. Yesssss. Isak lifted his leg up on the back of the couch, to open his legs further. He didn’t have much space to do so, but Even helped him by pushing his leg up and to the side. Isak reached down to help Even guide his dick against his hole, and bit down on the side of his arm as Even pushed. He pushed hard, and strong, and he split Isak in two. It hurt a lot. It didn’t matter. He was finally getting fucked.

He was only half hard by now. The anticipation, nervousness and pain had made him go soft. That was not acceptable. Even might think Isak didn’t like this. Isak pushed the pain to the back of his mind, wrapping it in the buzz, and wrapped his leg around Even’s waist to encourage his thrusts. It worked. Even fucked him harder. Each and every push made Isak squeak, but at the same time he was so happy he almost cried. His body was pleasing Even. It was finally put in good use. This very moment, this fleeting moment of skin slapping against skin, of flesh yielding, Isak forgave his body.

Something hot splashed inside him. For a second he thought it was blood, but then he realized Even had stopped moving. He had made Even come. Now he couldn’t help it, tears were running down his cheeks. He had made Even come. Not with what he did, but with his body. This sack of bones and imperfections finally had a purpose.

“Are you okay?” Even asked. Isak opened his eyes. When had he closed them?

“Yes”, he said, smiling. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

“I really should get going”, Even said. Isak nodded. Yes, of course. The couch didn’t have enough room for two, and Even must have been tired. It was the middle of the night. Isak lifted his hips up so Even could get his hoodie. The man pulled it on and slipped his shoes on his feet.

“See you around, doll”, Even said and winked. He took his phone from under the lantern, walked to the door with the flashlight and left Isak in the dark.


	15. Breakfast

Isak woke up incredibly sore. The effect of the pills and the absolution of sleep were both gone, and now Isak felt the full impact of losing his virginity with minimal warming up. He wasn’t mad at Even, not one bit. Even didn’t know, and now that Isak thought about it, he had seemed like a proper slut. Begging for it, desperate for dick. This pain wasn’t Even’s fault, it was his own.

Like all of his pain was. His own fault.

Isak was still happy it had finally happened. The obstacle was gone now. He wasn’t a virgin, in any sense, and he was free to do whatever he pleased. He was finally free to be fucked by anyone. Sure, it hurt, but at the same time it felt like nothing else ever. When he had been impaled by Even he had felt found. He felt so fucking lost all the time, but under a man, he knew his position and his place. He wanted more.

Chris was still asleep. Isak sneaked into the bedroom, very very quietly, and took Chris’ phone from the night stand. Even’s number was easy to find but hard to remember, it had no logic or pattern in it and Isak was in a hurry. Chris could wake up any second. Isak saw the small scissors Chris used to clip his toenails and grabbed them.

Isak hurried out of the bedroom. The pain on his arm complemented the pain between his legs beautifully. Even had truly left his mark, and Isak needed more. Isak dove under his blanket and turned his phone on with shaking hands. He couldn’t cut deep, because it might have scarred, and the shallow scratches would fade quickly. He didn’t have time to lament on turning his phone on.

Isak followed the routine procedure of erasing all notifications without reading them. He deleted his whole conversation history with his eyes crossed and deleted all social media apps from his phone. He missed his friends so much. He missed Mahdi’s banter and Magnus’ shameless openness, and he couldn’t even begin thinking about Jonas because that would have paralyzed him.

He added Even’s number to his phone. The scratches on his arms stung and burnt like shame. It was good. The burn on his arm and ass made him completely forget about his chronic heartache. It worked almost as well as hunger and pills. But what worked absolutely best was Even. Isak had actually met him only once but he knew already he was addicted.

_ Had fun last night. _

Delete.

_ Hi I stole your number from Chris. _

Delete.

_ When can I see you again? _

Delete.

_ This is my number. Doll _

Send.

Isak curled up inside the blanket and squeezed his phone against his chest. Would Even reply him? Would he remember who Isak was? Even had seemed not quite there last night, probably on something, pills or alcohol, maybe Isak was the only person alive who remembered last night. He knew Even had come, he had felt it drip out of him into his paper stuffed underwear, it and some blood. But what if Isak had still been terribly bad at bottoming?

He wasn’t sure had he been any different from the guys he had fucked. But Even seemed to be really experienced, and he looked so good he probably would get any guy he wanted. Still Isak hoped, he held on to the flicker of hope inside him so tight it almost died, he hoped that Even wanted to see him and his body again.

Isak woke up to the smell of coffee. He checked his phone, still under the blankets. No messages. Even was probably still asleep, Isak had no idea if he had gone home or to some club to continue the party. Isak peeked his head out and saw Chris in the kitchen. He was wearing only his slacks, like usual, and Isak liked looking at his chest. He saw tiny scratches on it, and knew they were made by Even.

“Morning”, Isak mumbled and got up. He kept the blanket around himself and sneaked into the bathroom. He checked his underwear for stains, and was relieved to see the bleeding had stopped. Isak fished out a pair of slacks from the laundry basket, along with a long sleeved shirt, and pulled them on before going to the kitchen.

“You look like shit”, Chris said. Isak laughed.

“Thanks a lot. I didn’t really sleep. Make my coffee in a bucket, please.”

“This is all we have left, so that’s a no.” Chris poured the coffee into two mugs. Isak took his and as he sat down on the chair by the kitchen table the pain made him jump up, more because he got startled than because of it hurting. Nonetheless, Chris stared at him in disbelief.

“Fucking Even”, Chris hissed. He slammed his mug on the table and rushed to get his phone. Isak ran after him but he was too slow.

“Chris, stop! I asked him to! I wanted him to!”

“You’re in no condition to ask or want, idiot.” Chris held the phone on his ear and the second Even picked up he started yelling. “What the fuck did you do to Isak you fucking asshole?”

Isak covered his mouth to keep himself from screaming. He didn’t want Even to hear him, he couldn’t let Even know he was present when Even received this shoutfest. But he tried to push the phone off Chris’ hands, and he begged and pleaded, he fell on his knees and clawed at Chris’ legs with his fingers. It was of no use. Chris kept telling Even off, he yelled at him and held nothing back. There came the slut and the whore and the abuser and even rapist, and that word made Isak’s stomach churn so violently he had to curl up against his thighs to keep himself from throwing up. So he couldn’t stop Chris from telling Even the worst part.

“He can’t sit down because of your manhandling! He was a virgin, you idiot! I told you to keep your hands off him for a reason!”

Isak bit his arm so hard his teeth hurt. He couldn’t say anything, he had to be quiet, or Even would hear and maybe think that he was crying because of what Even had done. Isak was so focused on himself now, keeping himself at bay, that what Chris said didn’t really register anymore. It took him a moment to realize Chris had stopped yelling.

“Isak, are you okay?”

Chris placed his hand on Isak’s shoulder. That made Isak jump up on his feet.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Isak screamed and ran into the bathroom. He locked the door and beat on it a couple of times with his fists. “You ruined everything you fucking asshole!”

“He had no right to touch you!”

“Fuck you! It’s my decision, not yours! I have needed a dick inside me for so long and when I finally got it I loved it!”

Chris cussed under his breath. Isak was so angry his panic about Even didn’t have room to build up.

“You’re not okay, Isak. You are addicted and sick and you really should not be having sex with anyone, let alone Even.”

“You’re happy to have sex with me, dick! Just not the way I want it!”

That shut Chris up for a while. Isak listened to the man move around the apartment. He heard a belt buckle, and zippers, and shoes be pulled on. Chris was leaving.

“Where are you going?”

“Out. Don’t wait up. See you tomorrow.”

Isak heard the door open and close, and Chris was gone. Isak opened the bathroom door and peeked out. Yep. He was alone. Good. He was so mad at Chris he couldn’t stand the sight of him right now. As Isak got to the kitchen he saw a note from Chris.

EAT!

Underlined. Twice.

Isak took the note, crumbled it into a ball in his hand and shoved it in his mouth. The paper scraped his throat on its way down. He emptied both mugs of coffee in one gulp and managed to force the note into his stomach without choking on it. It gave him really deep, profound satisfaction.

Isak crawled into bed. The sheets smelled like Chris, and like Even. Isak buried himself under a pile of them and held his phone with both hands, staring at the black screen barely blinking.


	16. Daddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, there are a *lot* of blurry lines of consent here. Borderline dubcon, because neither of them is really fit to make decisions on the things they're doing.
> 
> Consentual, yes. Safe and sane? Not so much.

Isak couldn’t get sleep. He just laid there in the bed, waiting for his phone to give a sign of life. He waited in vain. For hours. He got kind of hungry but didn’t get up to eat, he was thirsty but didn’t feel like drinking either. He just laid there, and waited, for Even to come and find him.

Around two AM the door of the apartment was opened and closed. Chris was home? Isak stayed in his nest, holding his breath, listening. Was someone with him? No. Just one pair of shoes was dropped on the floor. Only one jacket was removed, and only one person stepped into the bathroom. Isak waited, trying to figure out what to do. He was too exhausted to move, really. Maybe Chris wouldn’t notice he was here.

“Issssak?”

Fuck. Isak hadn’t taken into account that Chris might notice Isak wasn’t there, either. What now?

“Nhere”, Isak mumbled. Maybe Chris wouldn’t hear him. Though what good would that do? It was late, Isak hadn’t slept, he was too tired to think but sleep just refused to come.

Chris walked into the bedroom.

“Issy? Baby boy?”

Chris was drunk. And perhaps something else, too. Isak didn’t come out of his hiding place but he did make a sound again. It was enough for Chris to locate him. He pulled the blankets aside and now that Isak saw him he could tell for sure. Chris wasn’t just drunk.

“Hey there”, Chris said and smiled. “What are you doing here?”

Isak shrugged.

“I got lonely. It smells like you here.”

“And like him.” Chris didn’t sound pleased. “He shouldn’t have done that to you.”

“Stop. I begged him to. He was the first one to finally listen to what I want, and you can’t be mad at him for that.”

“To be accurate”, Christ started, as he sat down on the bed and pulled his socks off, “I’m mad at him for taking from you what wasn’t his to take.”

“The only thing he ‘took’ was my virginity. Everything else is still where it was.”

Chris paused. He seemed to try to think of a counterargument, but came up with nothing. He pulled his shirt off and threw it on the floor, then he turned to look at Isak. Isak knew what it meant when someone looked at him like that.

“You know what? I suppose you’re right.”

Chris crawled over to Isak on his hands and knees and kissed him. They had kissed before, and touched each other, and Isak had given Chris a couple of blowjobs too, but this time -- something was different. There was something new in this kiss, something that hadn’t been there before. Chris was hungry.

How long had he wanted to fuck Isak? Since the beginning?

Isak cracked his lips and received the kiss. He moved his mouth a bit, too, he was just too tired to get really excited about this, but he wanted Chris to know that he didn’t have to stop. Isak was still uncomfortably aware of his ass after Even had fucked him, but he could take it.

The second Chris crawled over Isak and made him disappear under him Isak knew he would take it. He just wanted to vanish, to hide, to stop being, and this. This was exactly how he could. Isak opened his mouth a bit more, he sucked on Chris’ tongue and made a tiny little moan.

Isak let Chris spread him on the bed, on his back. His shirt got rolled up, baring his waist and midriff. Chris ran his hand along his ribs, and when he laid his fingers between them effortlessly Isak sighed softly. He was proud. His hard work was paying off. Even thought he was beautiful, worthy of filming. Thinking about that, about Even, made Isak breathe faster and deeper. It made him shiver in the best of ways, and Chris’ touches just added to that.

“You’re so fucking skinny”, Chris mumbled against Isak’s lips. Isak tried to kiss him harder to make him stop talking, but Chris wasn’t done. He turned his lips against Isak’s neck, and he kept talking. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay soon. Daddy’s got you baby boy.”

It felt weird. Chris calling him baby boy. And calling himself daddy. It felt weird mostly because it sounded so rehearsed. Like Chris had been thinking like that for a long time, and just not said it out loud until now.

Chris pressed his hand against Isak’s stomach and slipped it inside his slacks. He found Isak’s semi in there, and with a couple of strokes he got it full on hard.

“See? Daddy’s got you.”

Chris was purring softly. Isak closed his eyes and tilted his head back. It did feel good. Being touched like this. Being seen. Being hidden under a man’s body. Isak was safe here. He was safe.

“Yes -- yes daddy.”

Isak’s words, whispered quietly, electrified Chris. His grip on Isak’s dick got more demanding, his lips on Isak’s neck found new purpose. Isak grabbed Chris form the shoulders as Chris bit down on his skin and sucked a bruise on it.

It felt good, in a way. It made Isak remember Jonas and his mouth, against him in the bathroom at school. Isak was an idiot for it, but he really missed Jonas. He missed his best friend, no matter how much Jonas seemed to hate him. Maybe he could be better now, somehow, maybe he could be more?

“Fuck, baby boy. Fuck.” Chris was just repeating it in Isak’s ear. He was stroking Isak’s dick with his hand and grinding his own hard-on against Isak’s thigh, lost in his heated whispering. He was so drunk. High as fuck, too. He needed guidance.

“Yes, daddy”, Isak whispered. He could barely recognise his own voice. “Fuck your baby boy.”

Chris -- laughed? It was a soft, purring laugh, like he needed to just let it out or he would burst of happiness.

“Don’t you worry. Daddy’s here.”

Chris sat up and unzipped his jeans. Isak sat up as well, and grabbed the waistband. He pulled the jeans and underwear down, he helped Chris squirm out of his pants. Chris stood there on his knees, naked, swaying a bit. He was so drunk it was a miracle he was able to get hard in the first place.

Isak hesitated with his own clothes. He looked at Chris, biting his lip. There was still a chance to go back. To not take this step. They could erase this, forget about it ever happening, if they wanted to.

Chris pulled Isak’s shirt off him. Then he pushed Isak on his back on the bed and removed his slacks as well. They were naked, in Chris’ bed, together. This was it. Isak looked at Chris and nodded. He could do this. He owed this much.

“Take me, daddy.”

Chris kissed him again. It was a sloppy kiss, a hurried one, it couldn’t wait to be over and done for so they could get on with something better. Isak spread his legs and let Chris settle between them, he wrapped them around Chris and pulled moans out of him, such filthy, hungry moans. It was intoxicating. To have this kind of an effect on Chris, the notorious fuckboy. Isak, who was just a beginner, managed to make Chris moan like that. It couldn’t have been his skills, so maybe -- oh, sweet, sweet maybe -- it was because of not something he did, but because of something he  _ was. _

Chris went for the drawer. Isak grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Don’t bother. You’re out, we took the last one.”

Chris hesitated. He was so drunk. Isak needed him to moan again. He opened his eyes wider.

“It’s okay. Isn’t it, daddy? Daddy please?” Isak lifted his hips too, rubbing his dick against Chris’ body. “Baby boy needs it.”

That did it. Chris just nodded. Isak told him the lube was in the living room, and that he would go get it for daddy, and then he ran away from the bed. He rushed to the living room and then back with the lube, and practically threw himself at Chris, straddling him, kissing him, using his whole body to beg.

It worked. Maybe. At least Chris didn’t come to his senses, he just took the lube from Isak and uncapped it. When his finger was slick and wet he wiggled his hand under Isak’s ass and pushed the finger inside him. It stung. Isak disguised his pain into a moan.

“Ohhhh daddy, yes!”

Chris moaned as well. It was Isak’s new drug of choice. The pleasure of Chris. Chris had saved him from the party house, he was letting Isak live here for free, it was about fucking time Isak got to give something of value back.

Isak was sure Chris would have prepared him a bit more if he had known it still hurt. Chris was a good guy like that. But Isak didn’t deserve a good guy. He didn’t deserve care. He had done something incredibly stupid and then he had done it again and again, and here he now was, embracing yet another huge mistake. He hated it, he hated his body, and he hated himself, but he loved this. More than loved. He needed this. So, as Chris helped him reposition himself a bit and then guided him down, pushing his dick inside, Isak just whimpered.

He just took it. It was so easy. All he had to do was take it.

Isak wrapped his arms around Chris and clinged to him. Chris grabbed him tightly, properly, and his embrace felt so warm. His dick inside Isak felt so hot, and so hard. So big. His hands landed on Isak’s hips, guiding them to start rocking, and they did. Short, swaying movements back and forth, and Isak was being fucked for the second time in his life. He loved it. He was such a fucking slut.

“Ohhhh, daddy --”

“You feel so good baby boy, you’re so good. Fuck you’re so tight.”

“Tell me daddy”, Isak moaned, “tell me all about it.”

Chris did. He kept pushing into Isak, over and over again, and whispering him in a drunken slur how hot and great and pretty Isak was. How he had wanted to do this for so long but he couldn’t because it was wrong. When Chris talked about that Isak made sure to cling to him harder, to move his hips faster, just so Chris wouldn’t consider stopping.

Eventually it stopped hurting. It was feeling pretty good, actually, Chris was rubbing Isak on the inside in places Isak hadn’t really learned to know yet. He had no name for them, or this feeling, that was building up deep in his belly. Was it going to happen again? Was he going to come like a girl? Untouched?

He didn’t get to figure it out before Chris came. He came inside Isak, with a loud groan, and Isak whimpered again. Yes, daddy, oh yes, so good. So good. Isak felt Chris go soft and slip out of him, and he felt the wetness. He was about to get up but then Chris grabbed him from the dick.

It didn’t take many strokes. Isak was in Chris’ lap, still straddling him, clinging to his back with his fingernails and coming, coming, coming. When it stopped, when his orgasm finally released him, Isak collapsed in Chris’ arms. He was barely conscious. Was this how he got to sleep these days? Get fucked?

Chris tilted him slowly down on the bed, still holding him. He kept cuddling Isak, holding him close, whispering to him that it was okay, that daddy’s got him.

Daddy’s got him.


End file.
